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Man Who Definitely Didn’t Just Check Rotten Tomatoes Would Probably Rate That Movie a 67%

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local moviegoer Michael Dunlap, walking out of the recent thriller movie Caged Money, delighted his group of friends with his in-depth review, specifically that he would rate the movie roughly a 67% in his opinion. 

“I felt like that movie was pretty good, but I think it was like a 6.7 out of 10,” Dunlap casually began before darting his eyes down at his phone. “Off the top of my head, just first reactions, I’d say it ‘smothers a competent script with a contrived third act.’ That’s just what I noticed, though. I also felt like, just maybe it was, I don’t know, ‘a grim whirlwind of effects-driven action lacking a satisfying payoff?’ Would you agree? While watching it I also noted that it was kind of, almost like ‘delivering dazzling energy and bombastic set pieces that feel empty because of a pathos-lacking lead performance.’ Maybe I’m wrong, that’s just what stuck out to me.”

Dunlap’s friend and fellow film attendee Emily DeGraw expressed how impressed she was with Dunlap’s spot-on assertions.

“I didn’t pick up on any of the nuances that I guess he did, because everyone online seems to agree with him,” DeGraw said. “He always has these really intelligent takes on movies and it’s like he doesn’t even realize it. Sometimes we’ll go see a movie a week into its release and he knows it’s a good movie before it even starts. Also there are sometimes where it seems like he has an opinion that’s totally off-center from what critics are saying, but when we talk later his opinions are completely different than before. I wish I was able to analyze movies the way he does, I just watch movies and make my own thoughts on them and don’t look at reviews or critics, but I guess I’m not as smart as he is.”

At press time, Dunlap reportedly logged the film on Letterboxd with a comprehensive, four-paragraph review for his two followers.