Listen up, nerds—and this time, I don’t mean that as a compliment. For weeks, the internet has been abuzz about my appearance in the Metroid Prime 4: Beyond trailer.
“He’s annoying.”
“Will he shut up?”
“I hope he dies.”
It’s become perfectly clear that you guys do not like me. It’s disheartening, but guess what? I don’t like you either, pal.
How dare you judge me? You don’t even know me. I could be a Galactic Federation bad***. Wouldn’t you feel so stupid if that turns out to be the case?
I don’t even care that you don’t like me. I’ve seen the things you like, and whoo boy, you should be embarrassed.
Sylux? You like Sylux? He doesn’t even talk. His armor is pointy. He might as well be a cactus. Is that what you’re into? Cacti? Sounds kinky.
Oh, wait, is Adam your favorite? Now I know you’re a nerd—again, not a compliment—cause he’s a computer. I might love computers, but I don’t love computers, if you know what I mean.
Don’t even get me started on all of you who like Metroid: Other M, unironically. I have no idea how to solve all of your problems, and I’m a master at giving hints. Maybe… try your missiles?
Do you feel big hating me? Is it fun kicking ole Myles Mack while he’s down? This was supposed to be my big moment. Instead, I’ve got a bunch of mouth breathers who call themselves fans of Nintendo’s sixth biggest franchise throwing unprovoked insults at me. What is this, pin the roast on the Myles?
You’ve replayed Ocarina of Time how many times? You’re cool with Navi now, right? Well guess what, bud, you’re just going to have to deal with Myles Mack, cause Myles Mack is here to stay. I’m a lean, mean, advice-spouting machine, hold the mayo.
You’ve waited eight whole years to play this game, but you’ve now got reservations because of my role as a side-character. Listen, pal. It sounds like you were already miserable before I got here. How about you spend less time dissecting a game trailer and more time checking the map? It might be a good idea to get our bearings.
It’s time for Myles Mack and there’s no going back.
See you losers in Smash.
This article is satirical. Hard Drive is a gaming/tech satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
