TRENTON, N.J. — Washed-up skateboarder and worthless scumbag fuck Eric Sparrow has thankfully been found dead at the age of 37.
“Real piece of work, that Sparrow kid,” said the man known to the Element Skateboards team—an early sponsor of Sparrow’s—as Todd the Manager, through a mouthful of food. “Lost us one of our best skaters after he passed off the blame for his jarhead joyride and I was hangry and desperate enough to believe his story. Luckily, Bam used to stand me up next to his dad and claim we were twins, or my ass would’ve been kicked to the curb, too.”
Sparrow was appropriately found nearly three months ago in the burned wreckage of an Elm Street crack house, but due to investigators’ understandable lack of interest in the case, it took the Trenton Police Department several weeks to find anyone willing to confirm the identity of the body, and even longer to get around to announcing Sparrow’s overdue passing to the public.
“Uh, yeah, we’re getting right on that,” said a spokesman for Trenton PD when asked for an update on the investigation at an unrelated press conference, after having to be reminded who Sparrow was. All citizens and members of the press who were present appeared satisfied with TPD’s progress.
Like many sociopaths, Sparrow was notoriously self-serving, deceitful, and impulsive, with a history of arson and at least one semi-public episode of incontinence. After spending some time in Baltimore, Sparrow was forced to relocate back to his hometown in 2007 when his career took a nosedive following a thunderous loss to an upstart young skateboarder at every stage of that year’s Tri-City Skate Competition—a twofold loss for Sparrow, who actually forfeited his car to the winner in a rare instance of keeping his word.
“Eric was a backstabbing, mob-flipping cockroach,” said a man identifying himself only as ‘Steve,’ but whom locals describe as a skateboarding legend and former contemporary of Sparrow’s. “A shithead in more ways than one. Good riddance.”
It’s still unknown whether Sparrow himself set the fire that took his meaningless life, as his brief pursuit of riches and validation reportedly led him to run afoul of local drug dealers, at least one Florida Sheriff’s office, and even the Russian military.
