SPOKANE, WA — Local high school student and gamer Travis Feeny was struck with tragedy and bitter disappointment on Wednesday evening when some of the biggest plot points for the new Nintendo Switch game “The Ten Thousand Perils of Possum Plateau” were spoiled by a video playthrough the youth saw on YouTube.
The video, entitled: “What Happens in TTPPP When You Pop the Possum Queen’s Cyst?” was uploaded by a creator known only as Gumsh, who is known for “doing this sort of thing.”
“It sucked. I bought the game to play on my Switch, but my mom won’t let me start gaming until after my homework’s done. So I put on a video about the game to listen to while I was doing my homework and just let it autoplay,” explained Feeny. “Before I knew it, the fucking game was ruined. I didn’t wanna know that the game ends with you popping the Possum Queen’s Perilous Pilonidal Cyst and Drinking the Pus of Peace. It’s worthless now. I don’t even like Gumsh! He’s for fucking babies!”
Feeny’s mother, Laura Feeny was present to witness the devastating aftermath
“I hate that Travis watches those stupid YouTube videos while he works,” said Mrs. Feeny. “I let him do it because it was the only way to get him to actually do his homework. Before, he used to lock himself in his room with one of his consoles and just stay there until three or four AM. His grades were in freefall and the smell was unbearable. I don’t know what this stupid possum game was or what a Gumsh is. Maybe this is good for him. Maybe this was a step in the right direction.”
But the video’s creator, Craig Wollwood, aka Gumsh, had other thoughts.
“I don’t feel bad that that kid got the game spoiled for him,” Wollwood said. “Gumsh Nation is no place for noobs. Gumsh nation is for the real players. The ones who don’t go to school. The ones who don’t work. The ones who haven’t bathed in weeks because the musk is part of what sustains us. I suppose next you’ll be griping to me that I spoiled the ending of Waluigi’s BDSM Island Adventure, where Waluigi marries the Nipple Clamp Princess. Well grip if you like, but you can’t grip against Gumsh Nation! We are many! We are legion!”
At press time, the younger Feeny had begrudgingly returned to his algebra homework, while Wollwood celebrated the newly subscribed fifty-eighth member of Gumsh Nation.
