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Uh Oh! You’ve Been Acquired by Microsoft. Here’s What You Need to Know

Hey there, sport. We know there’s been a lot of news happening this week, between the little mess overseas and the celebrities hitting each other, and we just wanted to make sure you’d heard that you had been acquired by Microsoft. Yeah, you, reading this. Oh shit, you didn’t know? Well, congratulations! First Bethesda, then Activision Blizzard, and now you!

Let’s dive in, and I’ll tell you everything you’ll need to know about your new corporate partnership as you start this exciting and strange new journey.

So first off, you’re not going to be able to wear anything that has a Sony logo, or a Nintendo character, stuff like that. Competition. I’m sure you understand. You can’t play or own any of that stuff, either. In fact, it’s probably best you stay off of their websites and don’t say any of their names out loud either. Basic stuff, nothing too weird there. 

Additionally, your partnership with Microsoft will require some basic promotional appearances from you. You will soon be receiving information about your upcoming convention schedule. You will also need to develop a 60-90 minute presentation, as you have been booked for many speaking engagements at these events. 

Due to our promotional partnerships, we can’t have you drinking anything but Halo: Infinite branded cans of Monster and Rockstar energy drink for the duration of these promotional appearances. If you’re feeling dehydrated, it will be okay to fill these empty cans with water, assuming you’ve received permission from your corporate liaison that will be with you at all times. 

Oh, and you get your first can of Monster for free! Okay, just a few more things here. We’ve taken the liberty of notifying your previous employer that you are no longer working there, effective immediately. They were pissed. So that’s all set. 

Additionally, we’re gonna need you to make a video game. I know, I know, you don’t have any experience in that sort of thing. That’s totally fine! We have an office downtown, and you’re welcome to stop by anytime you’d like to take a crash course in programming, design, motion capture, anything you can think of! All of our resources will be at your disposal.

Okay, but, you see, the thing is this. Um, Bobby Kotick will be coming by that office to sexually harass you. We’re working on a way to stop this. We really, really are. But in the meantime, expect him to stop by and curse at you and your anatomy and show you dirty pictures he’s drawn. We’re really, really sorry about this part. 

Oh but hey, free Game Pass for you and your family! Not bad, huh? Forza!