WASHINGTON — The Trump administration announced a landmark trade deal which would give the United States exclusive mineral rights for anything extracted from Wario’s Gold Mine, the Bureau of Land Management has confirmed.
“We could not think of a greater way to usher in a new era of prosperity than to procure the beautiful gold mines owned by Wario himself. It’s massive folks, let me tell you. The communist far left liberals said don’t do it, you’ll get hit with bats as soon as you go in and there are no guardrails, but we did it anyway folks,” said President Trump. “What a terrific guy Wario, he was kicked out of his castle by that nasty Mario character but made it back to the top by being a savvy businessman and I said that sounds like someone I know. But now we can finally gold plate the entirety of the White House. He truly is a patriot.”
Wario was more than happy to partner with Trump if it meant a steady flow of income.
“Before Trump came to Diamond City to make a deal, things-a not so good. The mine carts veer off the track and the Shy Guys try to unionize! Trump come to Wario and he want to give me loads of cash for mine and some bob-bombs on the side. Plus he want to use my stadium for a rally next week,” said Wario, sitting upon a nine foot high pile of cash. “He take-a me golfing and say he can get Waluigi cushy White House job if I take away the emissions standards for the go kart track in the mine too. This the beginning of a beautiful partnership. Wahahaha!”
The nearby Mushroom Kingdom saw Trump’s deal with Wario as an aggressive tactic to move into the region.
“President Trump called us and demanded we make a deal not only for our gold coins and set up offshore drilling in Dolphin Shoals, all the while making comments about my ass and threatening to make the Mushroom Kingdom the 51st state. I would rather go through with marrying Bowser, and I should mention that even he turned down Trump,” said Princess Peach. “My advisors tell me the United States is in talks to strip mine Mount Wario as well. If Wario is going to let these invaders walk all over us for a couple of bucks, he’s no longer invited to play any sports or board games with us ever again.
At press time, Trump also announced that the Pentagon would be signing a $1.3 billion deal with the Warioware crew to head up America’s cyber security.
