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Top 20 Games Likely to Be Banned by Executive Order

With executive orders dropping faster than a SpaceX vehicle after “rapid unscheduled disassembly”, it isn’t long before we’ll begin to see games being banned. Already, some measures taken by President Trump could be interpreted as laying the groundwork to ban a few notable games. In other cases, doom is all but assured based on comments made by either Trump himself, or those in his cabinet. You may want to play some of these before they’re gone. 

20. Plague Inc: Evolved

With federal health agencies putting a pause on all communication, the Trump Administration may be signaling further steps toward eliminating vaccines. Secretary of Health and Human Services and roadkill enthusiast Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has long been a vaccine skeptic, so a game about epidemiology and vaccines might not sit well with him. We tried to reach Kennedy for comment, but when the reporter we sent returned, she wouldn’t show us her phone. 

19. Alan Wake

While the game finally got a sequel after thirteen years, the Alan Wake franchise may be an early casualty in the President’s War On Woke. If Wake is woke then he might as well stay in the lake. Maybe in another thirteen years, Alan.

18. The Insomniac Spider-Man games

The game series that has featured Pride flags, the historic Stonewall Inn, and queer relationships might seem like it’s on the danger list for those things alone, but sources tell us it’s actually because neither game featured Trump Tower. The second largest building in downtown Manhattan [citation needed].

17. Hitman

Agent 47 should find an exit soon, because his assassination days may be coming to an end. It’s not the violence, suggestive themes, or drug use in the game that will be its undoing, rather President Trump has pardoned all of Agent 47’s targets.

16. Fortnite and Epic Games

Unfortunately for Fortnite players, 35% of Epic Games is owned by Chinese company Tencent, and as we learned from the TikTok fiasco, Chinese companies having access to the data of children is a big no-no. Additionally, Tencent was recently added to a watchlist of companies allegedly working with China’s military. It’s only a matter of time before they and Epic Games are forced to stop operations in the United States.

Update: We’ve been told Tencent having access to user metrics and credit card data is perfectly acceptable. When asked what the difference is between them and TikTok’s parent company ByteDance, the source declined to comment.

15. Bad Dudes

Bad news, bad dudes, bad dudettes, and non-dudenary badasses, President Trump doesn’t like the insinuation that he could easily be kidnapped by ninjas. It’s a shame to see all of those jobs lost in the Bad Dudes sector, but if the President thinks he’s got it covered, he must have it covered.

14. Cities: Skylines

We aren’t sure what’s so objectionable about these games, we just know President Trump went on a lengthy tirade when he saw the above screenshot. 

13. Elden Ring

A White House memo only read, “Who has a terrible build now, fucking nerds? DOGE 4 LYFE!”

12. Who’s Your Daddy?

A game promoting stay at home dads, non-traditional gender roles, and alternative parenting is sure to be the target of an overreaching executive order. You can’t just have a game about a dad leaving an unattended baby on the stovetop or force-feeding them fruit when they’ve gotten into the cleaning supplies – that’s women’s work.

11. Luigi’s Mansion series

In the interest of protecting the nation’s CEOs, Trump will probably sign an executive order stripping Luigi of all of his assets. Such a pity – many people were hoping 2025 would be the Year of Luigi.

10. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

This one is a little confusing, but the White House seems to be looking to have Phoenix Wright and Apollo Justice disbarred and prosecuted for their part in “sham trials”. Maybe President Trump believes Wright and Justice were part of President Biden’s DOJ or defended Hunter Biden? The executive order also refers to Athena Cykes as a “nasty woman”.

9. Bloodborne

Again, not much objection to the actual content of the game or any alleged “wokeness”. White House aides only said Trump was looking to “eliminate bloodbornes (sic) with an injection of ultraviolet light and bleach”.

8. The Legend of Zelda series

Likely to be banned once Trump learns about Wallmasters and assumes the games are poking fun at him. He’ll then sign the executive order with his tiny, tiny hands.

7. Social Justice Warriors

The reason for this game being banned may seem obvious at first, but it’s actually because it contains an outdated reference to Twitter’s original 140 character limit. If that’s patched to 240 characters, it might get a pass. Though, the only people playing it will be bots.

6. Subnautica

With so many billionaires in charge of the country now, they probably don’t want to be reminded of submarines or being underwater.

5. Transformers series

There has been a long debate over whether robots in the Transformers franchise even have a concept of gender. While the recent executive order on government-recognized genders could settle that debate, it’s likely any games in this franchise would be banned simply for having the word “trans” in the title.

Well, they would if Transformers: Reactivate hadn’t been canceled and nearly every other game in the history of the brand had been delisted because of licensing rights.

4. Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War

Republicans probably don’t want us looking too closely at what Ronald Reagan got up to during his presidency. Then again, we’re well past the point where anyone in America has even the slightest amount of shame. Just look at number 2 on this list. 

Hehe, “number 2.”

3. Super Lesbian Animal RPG

From transgender characters to lesbians to furries to women having any sort of agency or worth, this cute RPG is destined for a badly scribbled executive order. Heck, the ones already signed pretty much eliminate it. 

2. Any game with couch co-op

According to the White House press release, Vice President J.D. Vance is a man of traditional values and would never engage in or promote a threesome. 

1. Wolfenstein 3D

Do we even need to say it?

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