ROMANIA — Legendary hero and noted slayer of Dracula, Simon Belmont, shocked many in the Catholic community today when he revealed that he only really attends mass on Easter and Christmas.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very spiritual,” said Belmont, who famously wields crosses and throws vials of holy water at his enemies. “I’m just not very religious. I have a more personal relationship with a lot of this stuff, as you may imagine. Plus. I’m just so busy, man. I used to do a better job of getting there. But my relationship with God is, like, personal. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with church, I just don’t feel like it’s right for me, you know?”
“Totally cool if that’s your thing, though,” he added.
Belmont’s comments stirred controversy, both in the public and his bloodline.
“Oh bullshit,” said Richter Belmont, a descendant of Simon’s that also killed Dracula one time. “That’s all well and fine, but ask him to do anything during football on Sundays and he’ll have an excuse. He’s just a lazy asshole that hides behind those crosses and shit. Total poseur. Come midnight mass on Christmas Eve, however, and I just know Simon’s gonna be front and center, belting out ‘Silent Night’ like it’s a damn volume contest.”
Belmont’s large fanbase was disappointed by the admission as well.
“Wow, I suppose nothing truly is sacred,” said Ray Tanner, a dismayed Castlevania fan. “I’m so sick of our heroes pretending to be spiritual when they are merely cashing in on the sacred beliefs of large parts of their fan base. I swear it’s like one extreme or the other, either you’re Simon Belmont chucking holy water every chance you get, or you’re Mario, and you barely make mention of your Catholic upbringing. All of these characters are making their mommas really, really sad.”
As of press time, Simon Belmont had let his nephew know that he wouldn’t be able to make it to his First Communion this weekend, but that he would be sending a card with some cash in it.
