WASHINGTON — In a major blow to American healthcare United States Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced that all Phoenix Down development in the country will be discontinued.
“There is simply no science that proves Phoenix Downs provide any health benefits to users. It’s a dangerous pseudoscience that endangers our youth,” said RFK Jr. while holding a press conference to show off how much raw milk he could chug. “We simply cannot allow our citizens to put these dangerous feathers in their bodies. Who knows what kind of toxins it brings. Sure, there are a small minority of people, namely fallen party members, who need Phoenix Down to live but if you don’t know a White Mage who can cast Life then you are weak and there is no use for you in this life. Not in this country at least.”
Health experts warn that this could be catastrophic in the long term.
“Without Phoenix Downs to bring people back to life, healers will be quickly overwhelmed by requests to use high level spells like Curaga and Life more frequently. There’s only so much MP to use and so inevitably many people will be left to die,” said former High Summoner of Spira Lady Yuna. “What RFK Jr. is doing is dangerous for everyone. He’s the most evil thing I’ve ever encountered and that includes Sin.”
Not all were upset with the announcement.
“RFK has the health of the people in mind and he should be applauded for that,” said Rufus Shinra, President of the Shinra Electric Power Company. “With his leadership and the discontinuation of Phoenix Downs this country will grow stronger. The weak will be culled as they should, the mako will flow and our profits will grow high.”
At press time, RFK Jr. was seen dragging a Chocobo carcass into his trunk.
