PALLET TOWN — Professor Samuel Oak reportedly admitted to “making random shit up” for various Pokémon in the Pokédex in a heated press conference, shocked reporters confirmed.
“Look, man, how do they expect me to research Pokemon I have no access to? One of my students came in a few weeks ago telling me about this big-ass bird, called it a ‘Loogya’ or something. He asked me to update his Pokedex to include this fucking thing, as if I was supposed to have some idea what the hell it was,” said Oak.
“I made something up about it being the ‘guardian of the seas’ and causing hurricanes – he left looking happy and he hasn’t bothered me since.”
Dr. Oak reports that he’s also had difficulty with non-legendary Pokemon, citing an unwillingness of others to donate to his lab.
“During my stay in Sinnoh, I learned of a rare Pokemon named ‘Drifloon’. Apparently there’s only one in the whole region, and it just showed up in front of a windmill one day,” Oak continued..
“I begged the owner to donate it, or at least breed it and give me the egg, but this little shit said he wanted to ‘keep it rare.’ Fuck you, Robert. I wrote about how your ‘Drifloon’ kidnaps small children – have fun in prison, bitch.”
Scientists working at Dr. Oak’s laboratory suggested another reason for the false data may be that the rate of discovery for new Pokemon was simply too fast for them to keep up.
“Researching takes a huge amount of time – we usually can only write up one, maybe two entries per month. We blew up the lab three times trying to weigh a Voltorb,” explained researcher Clara James.
“When we were told that explorers found another 156 Pokemon in Unova in four days, Professor Oak locked himself in his office and cried.”
After the press conference, Dr. Oak was sighted pacing around his laboratory, yelling “What the fuck is an Ultra Beast?”
