So it seems there are rumors going around that I’m choosing all of my fighting game mains on a butt-by-butt basis. I hear you, I understand why it might seem like that’s the case, but I’m here to reassure you that it’s only a coincidence that my mains all have great butts. In every fighting game, I have a clear, non-butt-related reason for choosing my mains. Let’s go through the list.
First, let’s address the elephant in the room: Cammy. Yes, Cammy has been my main in every Street Fighter since Super, and yes, the first thing anybody ever learned about her was that she has a really great butt. The butt-quality assurance team at Capcom made absolutely sure of that. “Be sure the players know how great her butt is and how proud she is of that,” was, I believe, the note given by Funamizu to the design team.
But look, I’m a rushdown player. Who else am I going to play? Ken? Pfft. He’s a rushdown hybrid at best. I’m only playing the purest rushdown characters, like Guilty Gear’s Giovanna, Darkstalkers’ Victor, or Mai Shiranui. And look, if I was as fixated on butts as everyone says I am, then how come I don’t play Cammy at all in Marvel vs. Capcom 2? Not once have I swapped her into my Psylocke/Rogue/Captain America team.
Next, let’s address the Mortal Kombat 1 issue. Is it even fair to claim I’m fixating on butt-play with this game? Every single character in this game is gorgeous, even Baraka, and it’s virtually impossible for me not to choose someone with a great butt. So if you’re saying my Omni-Man/Jax team is evidence that I’m into butts, you’re just throwing wild accusations around. For one thing, Omni-Man’s a rushdown, and for another, I never even noticed Jax’s butt until you pointed it out to me just now.
And finally, the Smash Brothers question. If I was as focused on butts as you say I am, wouldn’t I play Bayonetta? You fool, I have never played Bayonetta. I play Solid Snake, and I didn’t say a word when they broke Metal Gear tradition and gave him a flat butt. I mean, sure, it makes no sense at all that a man who spends 90% of his life crawling facedown on the ground wouldn’t do some squats once in a while, but did I complain? Certainly not, and I certainly didn’t start a “Give Snake His Beautiful Dumpster Back” petition online, even if it IS so frustrating that Nintendo would take away somebody’s most notable physical trait like it’s 1984 over here. I’m fine.
So, as you can see, while I may play a few characters with great butts here and there, my fighting game choices are in no way prurient in nature. Overwatch, on the other hand, is a different story. There’s a reason I’m an Orisa main, after all.
