TOKYO, Japan — In a surprise non-Direct announcement, Nintendo released the first trailer for Super Mario Chill earlier today, a new installment in the flagship series that sees Mario staying home and taking it easy for once.
“Y’know, we’re always giving this guy the run around, and the jump around, which is worse,” said Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto in perfect English with no accent, sort of in a Philly one actually. “Never once did we think to maybe throw this guy a bone and just let him vibe out. Today, we’re stoked as hell to announce that that time has finally come in Super Mario Chill. You’ll be able to hang out with Mario in real time at his musty loft apartment. You can watch TV, talk about the weather, or whatever Mario wants to do really. We’re even gonna take back the whole mushroom thing and pay it off. For years we had to hear ‘Oh wow, isn’t that crazy? Isn’t that like he’s doing drugs?’ Guess what dickhead, now he for real is. And he champs those fuckers, crazy tolerance.”
Gaming journalist Allie Fox shared his experience with an early access version of the game, and was pleasantly surprised.
“Look, the idea understandably sounds dumb as dogshit on contact. Not even good in an absurd funny way. It’s like, ‘How would anyone commit to fleshing out that idea?’” said Fox of her initial impression. “But I gotta say, it grew on me really fast. The sheer attention to detail is just so impressive. You can walk to the bodega and pick up snacks and cigarettes with Mario’s debit card. You can rip huge dabs out of this big ass ice catcher rig made out of warp pipes. I have no idea how they made the rights work for this, but you can somehow even run Fortnite duos on Xbox Live. On the actual Xbox network. I mean, you can’t do trios or squads, but that’s pretty sick. And he’s really mean to the kids on there too, man. Like, really letting the Italian side of himself fly. Immersion like this has never been achieved.”
When reached for comment, Mario, the actual real guy from the video games that jumps around and all that, was pleased to have a low key title for a change.
“For-a years, they have been a-giving me such a raw deal. It was-a so-a shitty, straight up,” said the world famous plumber between bites of his a Grubhub’d Buca Di Beppo meal. “Really, I’m-a just hyped to-a finally show the world the real-a me. It’s not all a-Goombas and a-fireballs. I like-a football, and-a ’80s exploitation films. I love to send-a Dril tweets to my a-friends. I swear, his-a shit has actually never been better. Wa-hoo!”
At press time, it was announced that the game’s release would be delayed until early next year or, “whenever we get around to it, I don’t know, man. We’re chilling.”
