TOKYO — After years of postulation, thousand-post message board threads, rampant fan theories, vague hints from game designers, and a viral online petition demanding the truth, Namco has confirmed in a press conference that Pac-Man is 50% mouth and 50% ass.
Game historians still reeling from this bombshell say the news will affect how video game characters are designed for years to come.
“Yes, it’s true, Pac-Man is half ass and half mouth,” said Namco president Masaru Kawaguchi. “He spends all of his time moving around an obstacle course running from ghosts and eating pellets, so an ass and a mouth are really the only two things a character like that needs.”
One legend in the Pac-Man fan community says that anyone dissatisfied with this news is a “fake Pac-Man fan” who doesn’t understand the true appeal of the character.
“Now I want to jerk off to Pac-Man even more!” said Matt “Packman” Smith, scrolling through the latest results for Pac-Man fan art on DeviantArt. “I had no idea that the yellow part on his back was an ass but now it’s so clear to me. I should have been tipped off by the fact that it’s so juicy and voluptuous. Honestly, if you don’t want to clap those cheeks, you’re lying to yourself.”
At press time, the FCC has called on Namco to hide Pac-Man’s offensive nudity by covering at least 50% of his body with some kind of round pants.
