MUSHROOM KINGDOM — The Mushroom Kingdom Kart Racing Commission (MKKRC) instructed Koopa King Bowser to drain his home kart course of all lava or risk being suspended from the Flower Cup, sources report.
“We are committed to safe and fair racing conditions for all participants,” MKKRC spokesperson Rhonda McAdams said. “Holding a race in Bowser’s castle was already a stretch, but we were willing to allow it if the track met all regulations. Unfortunately, the scalding hot lava racers have been subjected to is a clear violation, and we have no choice but to demand it be cleared immediately. Racers have had to seek treatment for decades for the scalding hot burns suffered as the result of an errant feather jump or discourteous bump from a rival, and it’s long past time to remedy the situation.”
Bowser was not happy to receive the notice.
“If you ask me, it’s kind of suspicious that the MKKRC is just now bringing this to light,” Bowser complained. “We‘ve been holding these races since 1992, and all of a sudden my home course is an issue just after I’ve edged out Mario to win the Mushroom Cup? I’ve suspected for years that this whole system is rigged, and this confirms it. So what if Lakitu just fished Toad’s charred remains out of my lava? He knew he was taking a risk when he signed up for this tournament.”
Video game expert Ronaldo Diaz weighed in on the situation.
“People are often surprised to hear this, but video game racing tracks tend to be very strictly regulated,” Diaz offered. “Residents of Frosty Village in Diddy Kong Racing are under a nighttime curfew to preclude them from getting in the way of the races, and all wildlife in the Redwood Forest track of Cruis’n USA were purposely slaughtered during its formation to keep the roads clear. I’m surprised Bowser has gotten away with this for so long, but he’d better listen to the MKKRC if he wants to continue racing.”
At press time, the MKKRC had paused all cups indefinitely until Ghost Valley had been completely restored and renovated.
