BED – 22-year-old gamer Mac Noonan shocked the world today by voluntarily watching advertisements in exchange for virtual currency in a mobile game, sources still in bed at 12pm confirmed. This news arrives despite reports that the years go by so damn quickly, and that someday we’ll all be 60 and wondering where all the time went — assuming we even make it to that age.
Noonan reportedly downloaded free-to-play idle gacha game Cat Kitchen on his Android device so that he’d have something to do on the train, presumably in order to avoid contemplating his own suffocating mortality for even a moment.
Sources confirm the game features cute cartoon cats who fill various roles around a kitchen, generating in-game currency called “meow-gems.” Noonan often opts to watch ads to earn his meow gems instead of reading a novel, calling his mother, listening to music, admiring the view, or even just playing the game.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Noonan told us. “They’re just ads. They only take a minute to watch. Plus, I’m supporting the game without dipping into my bank account. [Also, I’m very stupid and my brain is small. I have the personality of mushy cereal. I am essentially a caveman. Unga bunga.]”
Cat Kitchen primarily runs ads for equally mind-numbing mobile games as well as off-brand phone service providers.
Experts can only guess why the man—who otherwise seems perfectly well-adjusted—chose to debase and humiliate himself for an imaginary reward.
“Does he not see how short and beautiful life is?” asked psychiatrist Linda Rosnay. “Does he think he will have a second chance on this earth? The human condition is so exquisitely flawed. Even in pain we find meaning, for we are reminded that we are wonderfully, gloriously alive.”
Rosnay then asked us to forward Noonan her work number.
Noonan’s soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend had this to say: “He watches ads? Is that all? Why is this going in the news? All I have to say is that [I am devastated. The man who owns my heart has betrayed me. I am scarred beyond repair and my life will never be the same. I see now that our relationship has run its course. He is essentially a caveman. You know, ‘unga bunga.’”
After bright colors and bold text flash across the screen amid animations of plentiful resources filling a player’s reserves, Noonan is forced to stare at a download button for an additional fifteen seconds before the 200 meow gems are credited to his account. He receives a barely perceptible spike of dopamine, proving that his capitalist overlords own him not just in body but in mind. He then avails himself of the most vapid moment of his insignificant life by using the gems to make his American Shorthair sous chef cook two times faster for four hours.
We reached out to the developers of Cat Kitchen for comment, but learned billionaires often do not respond to cold emails.
