TORONTO — Selfless local gamer Simon Breeler reportedly committed an act of generosity while replaying Super Mario 3D world, letting the hero plumber Mario walk through a level to catch his breath.
“He’s usually at a full-clip sprint all the time, blitzing around through eight worlds and only being able to rest in the brief moments when he’s dead,” Breeler said. “He’s earned a bit of a rest. I let him slowly amble through world 3-2 in an effort to make him feel a bit better for the remaining time challenges and boss fights. It may not seem like much, but he seemed to really appreciate it. After he calmly grabbed the flagpole at the end of the level he turned to the screen and said ‘Thank you, sir.’ It felt good.”
Super Mario 64 speedrunner Eric Blazer said he will start to enact this benevolent practice in his own gaming habits.
“Now I realize how much Mario has to exert himself on a daily basis for my entertainment, and I see the error of my ways,” said. “It’s past even just running, I make Mario execute thousands of frame-perfect jumps up staircases, off cliffs, and even through walls for hours at a time. I had no idea the toll I was taking on this small Italian man. I probably took years off his life. Now after every speedrun I make sure to complete the game at a modest, leisurely pace to help me appreciate the small details about Mario and his games. I usually cry during them. It’s a beautiful little part of my gaming routine now.”
Mario’s creator, Shigeru Miyamoto, expressed his disgust at people making the video game character move at such an ambitious pace.
“I do not know why they make my son go so fast, he was never intended to go beyond a brisk walk,” Miyamoto said. “I begged, pleaded with the developers to make it impossible for my sweet boy to move more than three miles per hour, but I was rebuffed. Now I am sickened when these bastards make him run, jump, spin, and roll. I hope each and every one has to spend eternity in hell running and jumping nonstop for their sins.”
At press time, no one mentioned in this article responded to comment after Mario reportedly also asked for a little bit of money for all the labor he’s putting into being the protagonist of these games.
