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It’s Over: Guy Playing Against You Brought His Own Controller

YOUR HOUSE — A guy asking to play Super Smash Bros. Melee  against you reportedly brought his own controller, spelling certain doom for your chances of victory. According to those familiar with the situation, you went to hand him the Player 2 controller only for him to shake his head, reach into a backpack in his possession, and pull out his own controller.

“Oh my god, did you see that thing? He’s probably one of those guys who knows about port priorities,” you said to yourself in a bathroom mirror while pretending to take a break to poop. “No casual player walks around with their own controller, especially not one as decked out as this guy’s. But I’m not worried. Not in the slightest. It’s going to take more than a fancy controller to beat me. For example, it is going to take Jigglypuff.”

Reports showed that your blood ran cold upon seeing the controller, which featured a completely unique color scheme, custom analog sticks, and even a well-worn pair of those back paddles that no one ever uses. Forensic evidence also suggested that the guy proceeded to hold the controller sideways using a grip you’d never seen before, utterly destroying any of your hopes of victory.

“You can never be too prepared,” said the guy who brought his own controller. “You never know when you’ll need to throw down; it’s my version of keeping a condom in my wallet. Not that I play all that much. I consider myself a casual player, but I absolutely need a controller set up to my exact specifications so I can adequately pull off the moves I need. I’m sure most people feel the same way.”

Witnesses on the ground shared that the match between you two wasn’t even close. You were barely able to get any hits in and your opponent kept you on the back foot, pulling off insane maneuvers you’d never seen in your life. Medical records obtained after the incident showed that the clacking of the back paddles continued ringing in your ears for several hours after your loss. You were never even sure they were legal.

At press time, you suggested switching over to Tekken, to which your opponent agreed before pulling out a custom fight stick.