WARSAW — Male gamers rejoiced after upcoming historical RPG Hussar’s Quest was confirmed to contain no female characters as part of its commitment to historical accuracy as women were not invented when the game takes place.
“Our goal with this game is to create the most authentic depiction of life in the medieval Kingdom of Poland possible,” stated game director Hubert Sokolowski in a recent press release. “We’ve consulted extensively with a team of professional historians in the hopes of avoiding any anachronisms, and that includes depicting aspects of the period that might be offensive to modern sensibilities. The absence of female characters in our game is for the simple reason that it takes place before these mysterious and frightening creatures were invented.”
While a small portion of players looking forward to the game expressed shock at Sokolowski’s statement, the Hussar’s Quest development team insists their approach is consistent with the currently prevailing historical consensus.
“Like computers and smartphones, women are so prevalent in our life today that it’s difficult to imagine people ever lived without them,” explained historical advisor Marek Ciasto-Owocowe. “But the truth is all of these objects are relatively recent inventions. The first women were invented in the 1960s by woke engineers working for General Electric. However, due to the shortage of reliable records from so long ago, it’s unclear why exactly women were made. Most likely, it was for ritual purposes.”
Set in the year 1395, Hussar’s Quest places the player in the role of a Hussar warrior in service to the King of Poland as he fights off a dual invasion from the Kingdom’s two greatest enemies of the era: the Mongols and giant enemy crabs.
“It’s nice to see a game that really cares about its setting for a change,” said gamer Dick Anderson. “I’m so tired of a game selling itself as a period piece, and then the first thing you see is some chick. It just goes to show they don’t care about history at all and just pushing a political agenda. It’s a real breath of fresh air that these guys aren’t afraid to show what life was really like back then.” Anderson proceeded to watch footage of a side quest in which the player character visits a local cathedral to assist the priests in cutting newborn baby boys out of their chrysalis pods, as was common practice at the time.
At press time, a new dev diary showed off the games’ cooking system by preparing potato soup.
