Oh, you must think you’re pretty great, don’t you? The way you effortlessly played through “The Last of Us Part II” on Grounded mode in only 20 hours with your high-level combat, stealth and resource management skills. Your prowess with this game is certainly unmatched, and you’re the envy of all your friends. Well, we hate to burst your bubble, Mr. Big Shot, but you left a pretty wide trail of misery in your wake, and we’d be remiss to not call your attention to it, lest you find yourself able to sleep undisturbed tonight. As such, here are the top 5 dogs you heartlessly slaughtered during your playthrough.
Bella (Age 3)
This adorable girl loved to go on walks around her home stadium, play fetch with anyone who happened to be around her when she had her favorite tennis ball, and beg sweetly for a piece of jerky when her master Jayla would stop for a quick bite. She had the cutest eyes and gave her humans the most trusting, loving looks as they rubbed her belly (which Jayla hilariously referred to as “paying the toll” for having caught Bella’s attention.) That all came to a pretty abrupt halt, however, when you blew her head completely off with your pump shotgun while she was weeping over Jayla’s arrow-ridden corpse outside of an abandoned coffee shop. Great job with that. We’re all sooooo proud of you.
Crusher (Age 2.5)
Crusher was given his name ironically because he was such an unbelievable sweetheart. He had never even killed any Scars, and was taken out on patrol with the Washington Liberation Front (WLF) solely for his tracking capabilities. He almost certainly would not have killed you, either, and likely would have just barked to alert his humans of your presence. That didn’t matter to you, though, as you sneaked up behind him in the tall grass and jammed your knife into his neck. Did it, you callous ghoul? The worst thing is that you managed to escape that general area undetected, leaving Crusher’s corpse out in the open for his owner Karl to discover. Karl hasn’t been the same since, just so you know. Not like you’d care or anything.
Reggie (Age 5)
A molotov cocktail? Really? What the fuck is wrong with you? There was an old boxcar right behind you that you could’ve easily climbed to evade Reggie. Not only were your actions despicable, they were also wasteful. You know what? We’re starting to second-guess all that praise we heaped onto your video game playing in the introduction to this article. You’re as inept as you are cruel. Oh, and Reggie once saved a little girl’s life by barking to get her parents’ attention while she was choking on a pretzel. Have you ever done anything that noble and selfless? Of course you haven’t. You’re just a killing machine. Death follows you everywhere you go. That may be your gift, but it is also your curse.
Chuckie (Age 5)
Oh, you’re gonna LOVE this: Chuckie had a brother named Bucky who was back in the WLF headquarters the day you pumped Chuckie full of bullets from your silenced submachine gun, and guess what? Bucky died of sadness a week later after his brother failed to return from patrol. It was just like the end of that book “Where the Red Fern Grows,” which you probably delighted in reading as a child, you depraved monster. Tears are raining down on our keyboard as we type this, and what are you doing? Probably relaxing in your den with a self-satisfied smirk plastered on your loathsome face. You will be held accountable for your actions one day. We promise you that.
Stella (Age 8)
Three days. That’s how many days Stella had left until retirement. Three. Days. Her owner Jerry had already prepared a special cake made of peanut butter and pumpkin for the special occasion. Looks like Stella won’t get her cake, or the well-earned relaxation and time with her humans during her remaining years. What did she get instead? Care to answer? That’s right, she got a bullet to the head from your bolt-action rifle. At least it killed her instantly, so we can thank you for that. How very considerate of you. While on that thought, we guess we can thank you for killing Jerry, too, because he most assuredly would not have been able to go on without his best friend. It seems you’re nothing if not a completionist.
There you have it. We know trying to make you feel bad was an exercise in futility, because you would need to be a human being in order for that to work. Stay tuned for our upcoming article on all the beautiful beasts you murdered in Shadow of the Colossus.
