WASHINGTON — Elon Musk is ending his government work to focus on improving his village in Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Musk confirmed his distancing from President Trump as well as his latest endeavor, during a Twitch stream earlier this week.
“Wait, you don’t have enough bells for the house right away,” Musk said to a Twitch chat full of bots and chuds. “This is unrealistic. I should have enough bells to buy this whole stupid island. Who only has one-thousand bells? Why is Tom Nook approving this loan? He’s never going to see the rest of those bells. He’s not even giving me a deadline to pay or get out. Also, why has he employed these little raccoons? Look at all this waste. I bet if he would let me, I could cut down his costs. I could start a department. Call it the Department of Nook’s Goods. I’d run it, for a small bell fee of course.”
The next hour of the stream featured Musk trying and failing in almost every aspect of the game, including a 20-minute attempt to shake apples off of a tree. After wandering about the island for another 40-minutes, Musk finally relocated Nook’s shop.
“There’s no option to gut the inner workings of the store,” Musk said out loud, not realizing that he had accidentally switched to his web-cam only scene on OBS. “Can I fire the little raccoons? Wait, why are they offering me 100 bells for these apples? Fucking morons. If they want to overpay for apples, I have no problem indulging that. I’ll just sucker some villagers into picking all the apples for me. Once I’ve sold them all, I’ll buy the island and Nook will answer to me.”
The stream took a turn for the worst when Musk realized his plan would not work. His eyes grew heavy as he slowly realized villagers would not work for him and he would be forced to pick all the apples himself.
“This is not fun at all,” Musk said as he tossed his controller across the private jet and began to dig through a stack of games. “Why won’t anyone do anything I tell them to do? I say ‘pick apples’ you pick the fucking apples and thank me for letting you do that. I can’t play this game. I need a game where those below me serve my every command. Where the poors aren’t afraid to die for me. There’s got to be something in this stack of games that plays to my every whim.”
At press time, Musk had switched to Pikmin and was finding joy in throwing red pikmin into large bodies of water.
