PHILADELPHIA, PA – Negotiations around Cody Rhodes’ apparent return to the top of this year’s WrestleMania card turned hostile today, when would-be main-event hijacker Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson threatened to re-take the main event and future Manias for each day that a sequel to 2021 box office disappointment Jungle Cruise has not entered pre-production, reports confirmed.
“I’ll do it! I swear to Black Adam I will!” a manic Johnson shouted through a megaphone from the roof of Lincoln Financial Field. “If Jungle Cruise 2 hasn’t been announced for a tentative summer 2026 release within 24 hours, then this year’s WrestleMania ends with The Rock pinning Roman Reigns with the People’s Elbow to become WWE Universal Champion. We’ll have another press conference and I’ll figure it out. And for every extra day it takes for this highly anticipated sequel to be confirmed, that’s one more year of The Rock successfully defending that belt exclusively in the main event of WrestleMania.”
Reports from the scene confirm that the would-be hijacker had already attempted to kill one year’s worth of WWE storytelling before a rather impressive heel turn, and his threats are being taken very seriously. Those threats are quite simply to put a stranglehold on the WWE until a follow-up to the 62% Rotten Tomatoes scored Johnson vehicle is made official.
Sources close to Johnson say “Cody Crybabies” was just the beginning and that he would take no prisoners on the mic if he didn’t get his way.
“Emily Blunt better be attached to return too, or so help me god Cody Rhodes is going to come out and raise my hand after I win that title,” Johnson said. “You think I’m playing around? Ask CM Punk what happened in 2012 and 2013 when nobody would make that Hercules movie I wanted. Don’t test me.”
When reached for comment, authorities said it was looking less and less likely that the situation could be resolved without the tragic death of several younger WWE wrestlers’ pushes.
“We got him to temporarily agree to giving up the main event but now he’s insisting that Jungle Cruise 2 get a $300 million budget and be shot in 3D. The first one didn’t even make $300 million total,” the negotiator said, sweating nervously. “If we can’t calm him down soon with another terrible guest verse on a rap song, then Gunther and Sami Zayn might never be world champions. But we’ll do everything in our power to prevent that from happening… or not happening, I guess.”
At press time, WWE officials were praying that Johnson’s main event siege would continue to make headlines until all current lawsuits for sexual assault and human trafficking were settled.
