WASHINGTON — U.S. President Donald Trump decided to reverse all tariffs he had announced earlier this year after he downloaded and played real-time strategy game Age of Empires IV on Xbox Game Pass, sources report.
“I learned a lot about trade from playing this game, maybe the most anyone has ever learned,” Trump told reporters. “While playing as the French in the Feudal Age, I’ve noticed that I can replace my gold return from trade with food. This got me to second-guess these sweeping tariffs. What was I thinking imposing them on places like Central America and Indonesia? Are we suddenly going to start growing bananas and coffee domestically? That’s absurd. I’d like to apologize to the American people and announce that I’m hereby voiding all tariffs, which is probably the greatest decision by any president since my decision to implement them in the first place. I’d also like to thank Age of Empires IV for the important lesson.”
Soybean farmer Henry Bornek reacted to the reversal.
“I mean, it’s great that he finally stopped this nonsense,” Bornek reported. “I just wish he had played that game sooner so it wouldn’t damage our relationships with our trading partners. I was financially devastated from the retaliatory tariffs that predictably came from China after Trump made his announcement, and now I’m going to be in competition with farmers in Brazil going forward as we’re seen as less dependable allies. To say I regret my vote is probably the understatement of the century.”
Political scientist Gemma Dobrinik provided her expertise on the matter.
“You’d be surprised how video games influence presidential decisions,” Dobrinik offered. “Barack Obama got the idea for the Affordable Care Act after seeing how convenient and affordable hospital visits were in Grand Theft Auto, and George W. Bush learned about using the military to end supposed terrorism from Counter-Strike. It’s definitely a mixed bag, so we’re just lucky that our current president was inspired by a video game to do something positive.”
At press time, Trump was weighing whether to halt all space exploration after playing Metroid Dread for Nintendo Switch.
