Irvine, Calif. — Medical staff at Mercy-Baptiste Hospital have decided to ultimately just ignore a patient who won’t stop spamming the call button, exhausted sources report.
“Look, I believe everyone deserves to be healed. I took the hippocratic oath. I went half a million dollars into debt to become a doctor. I’ve dedicated my life to this profession! But this character is beyond ridiculous,” said a frustrated physician who asked to remain anonymous for job security, instead giving the pseudonym “Swiss Medic.”
“I swear this person has hit that button requesting our support at least 23 times already, and my shift started less than an hour ago. He is crushing my team’s morale and distracting us from our objectives.”
The charge nurse on staff, who also wished to remain anonymous but gave the nickname “Not Zen,” backed up Swiss Angel’s account of recent events on the ward.
“I am usually a benevolent, peaceful person. But this guy has pushed me to the edge of anger with his constant calls for help, even while actively being medicated, supported, and cared for,” said Not Zen. “It’s almost as if he’s just doing it for attention or to show off his outfits. Did I mention this fool is in the hospital for a broken ankle after attempting to climb up and over a wall? He is in stable condition and should be our lowest priority. That’s why our floor staff are no longer responding to his button mashing.”
The patient in question – who reached out to us directly and said we should print his real name, Genisson Jim, or Genji for short – threatened to report his entire care team for not doing their assigned duties.
“I am in need of healing. Therefore, they must heal me. That is their role and I will continue to make them aware of my status until I am no longer in need of healing,” said Genji. “If they didn’t want to heal, they should have elected to do something else.”
At press time, Swiss Medic and Not Zen were seen begrudgingly spoonfeeding Genji pudding as two other patients on the floor were coding nearby.
