ATLANTA — TSA members at Hartsfield Airport arrested an over enthusiastic Deep Rock Galactic player on the morning of November 20th, according to local eyewitness reports.
“He’s a maniac. Had a 3D-printed pickaxe in hand, kept holding it up in the air and shouting ‘ROCK AND STONE!’ Finally got him to calm down and go through the line. Convinced him the ‘drop pod’ was on the other side, whatever the hell that means,” said one exhausted TSA employee. “Thought everything would be fine, but my buddy Tim decided to ask this guy if he was on anything, like mushrooms. The guy’s eyes went wide, and he just went berserk. ‘MUSHROOM,’ he started screaming, over and over.”
At this point, TSA employees attempted to apprehend the DRG-enthused individual. He dodged out of the way of a grapple, though.
“I actually got bruised pretty bad,” grunted another TSA professional. “Dove after him and he leapt away, like he had eyes in the back of his head. He finally stopped screaming about mushrooms, but it was only after his eyes landed on some unattended baggage outside one of the restrooms. He hefted it into the air and screamed something like, ‘WE’RE RICH!’ Took us another ten minutes to actually get him on the ground, and by then the police had arrived.”
This event was not without victims. Before the authorities could apprehend him, the “Deep Rock Fanatic,” as he is beginning to be known, targeted Terrence Middlesboro, a tall and elderly man preparing to board a plane to New York.
“I have a business meeting in New York in a few days. Thought I’d get a few extra days in the trip, explore the city. I was walking towards my terminal when, without any warning or provocation, I felt something huge barrel into me from behind,” said Middlesboro in an interview after the assault. “I don’t know how strong this guy is, but apparently he slammed his pickaxe into my back, just above my hip. He shouted about using his ‘power attack,’ I think. I went flying, but I’m not seriously injured or anything. I told the officers I don’t want to press charges. The guy is clearly not well. I think they’re taking him in on a drug charge anyway.”
Shortly after assaulting Middlesboro, the “Deep Rock Fanatic” was finally taken into custody by a small army of airport security and police officers. Before he could be removed from the premises, multiple witnesses report hearing the man shout, “I knew I should have picked Iron Will!”
