DAYTON, Ohio — After months of missed meetups, a struggling D&D group has decided to form a polycule in a last ditch effort to keep their campaign going.
“Scheduling has been a nightmare. We have tried planning ahead, but someone always misses an email or is too busy with life. Well, now that we are a sextuple there are no more excuses. Your life stuff is my life stuff,” said dungeon master Phineas Owens. “You can’t say you don’t have a sitter when you also have five co-parents. You have a date? Great! Give them a character sheet. D&D is date night and we always schedule sex afterward.”
Jillian Blunt, who plays a halfling bard, said she now feels like she is part of a community.
“It’s harder to flake on sessions when you start mixing campaign goals with relationship goals,” said Blunt. “Flaking on a D&D session now feels more like being an inconsiderate partner, and I’m not trying to let down my three boyfriends and two girlfriends. To be honest, it feels like we’re not just a sextuple, because with our characters it’s actually more like a duodecuple — and that’s not even including the NPCs.”
“It has actually improved a lot of our relationships,” Blunt continued. “We slept with each other in the game already, so it hasn’t actually been a huge adjustment taking it into the real world. It’s more like a fulfilled fantasy. The only thing that would make it hotter is if I could actually be a halfling, but I have to settle for just doing the voice.”
Polycule expert and Dropout TV D&D player Bob the Drag Queen says this is not an uncommon phenomenon.
“We’ve seen this a lot actually,” said Bob. “A group of 30-somethings can’t seem to make the time for their book club or weekly pickup basketball game. So, they form a polycule to keep each other accountable. Sometimes it takes a group sex situation to keep your hobbies going. Just remember to wash your dice if you’re sharing them. That’s not innuendo for balls by the way, please wash your nasty-ass game dice.”
At press time, the adventuring party was reportedly rolling initiative for who does the dishes next.
