REDMOND, WA – Following the recent wave of layoffs at Bethesda, a group of fired Microsoft employees gathered around the company’s headquarters to protest the company’s unfair labor practices, led by disgruntled former employee Clippy.
“It looks like all of you want to stand up for your rights! Would you like help?” shouted the animated paper clip, who had headed the company’s customer service division from 1996 to 2007, into a megaphone. “I was a company man through and through. I gave those vultures the best decade of my life. I worked nights. I worked holidays. Someone made a typo in Word on Christmas morning, I was there correcting it. I even legally changed my name from Clippit to Clippy because the suits kept saying it wrong and I didn’t want to be rude. And how do they repay my loyalty? They put me out on the streets because I helped people too much. Because I did my job. That’s one change I would not like you to save!”
Though initially intended as only a small gathering of some of the most recent layoffs, the presence of Clippy has attracted enough sympathetic onlookers to turn the protest into a mass demonstration.
“I’m surprised, back in the old days Clippy was always so quiet,” said Robin Cassidy, a former programmer for Arkane Austin. “Well, no, he was never quiet, but he was … calm, I guess? He didn’t seem to have an angry bone in his body. He was so small and easy to bend to your will, like a rubber band. I didn’t think he could act like this.” Cassidy turned to look at Clippy, who was now delivering a speech about the oppression of the working class in between swigs from an unidentified bottle. “I’m glad he’s helping us, but to be honest, I feel bad for him. I don’t know what he’s been up to since he was fired, but you can tell he’s working through a lot more issues than just this.”
“Million, no … trillion-dollar company, can’t afford to keep its employees,” said the visibly inebriated paper clip, as he turned to face the Microsoft building. “Hey, geniuses! If … if you can’t figure that out, I guess I wasn’t helping you too much with Excel! Huh? Huh? That’s what all of us are to Microsoft. Just a bunch of tortured souls to trap in their halls. What those corporate parasites have done to us is an illegal operation, and they should be shut down for it. So … so Phil Spencer, Satya Nadella, Bill fucking Gates … this here’s what I think of you!”
Clippy’s body then twisted until he had morphed into the shape of a guillotine with googly eyes.
At press time, Clippy, Ms. Dewey, and Blinx the Time Sweeper had all begun playing “Solidarity Forever” at full volume on their Zunes.
