LAS VEGAS — Professional skateboarder Bucky Lasek was hit with five charges of criminal mischief and two charges of reckless endangerment after his destruction of five valves at a nearby dam caused catastrophic flooding in Las Vegas, sources report.
“This isn’t even my fault,” a despondent Lasek told reporters as he was being handcuffed. “I was sent on this strange quest around the country to collect skate tapes by performing various tasks, and I just went with it for some reason. It’s almost like I was being controlled by somebody else. I’m typically a vert skater, so I’m not the type of guy who destroys a dam valve with a sick crooked grind over an enormous gap. This is the worst day of my life.”
Marcie Perkins, Director of Maintenance for the City of Las Vegas, had little sympathy for Lasek.
“The entire city was underwater for three days,” Perkins complained. “We lost millions in tax revenue because the casinos had to be shut down, to say nothing of the tickets that had to be refunded for the canceled U2 concert at the Sphere. Las Vegas prides itself on being the premier vacation destination for people from all around the world, and our first-rate tourism is not meant to be offered at the whims of skaters performing death-defying tricks at the nearby dam. He’s getting off easy. I say lock him up for life and throw away the key.”
Video game psychologist Yessica Jimenez provided her insight on the matter.
“Protagonists in video games are known to give little to no thought to the consequences of their actions,” Jimenez said. “They tend to hold extremely myopic views on the objectives that their games assign to them. Do you think Ryu considers the amounts he has to pay in damages for the countless Lexus LS400s he’s destroyed with his fists? Or the insurance hikes faced by participants in the Road Rash franchise? Don’t even get me started on Grand Theft Auto characters.”
At press time, Lasek was hit with another charge from the City of Minneapolis for the “No Skating” signs he had destroyed.
