WHITE HOUSE — President Biden officially signed the RPG (Relief and Protection for Gamers) Act today as the widespread destruction and pain caused by an 8/10 review posted on Kotaku continued to dominate headlines, international aid groups confirmed today.
“The review said some things I agreed with, but not exactly. I would have worded it a little differently,” one of the most affected gamers said in his unlivable apartment with furniture turned upside down and trash thrown about. “It’s going to take me years to rebuild and get back on my feet.”
First responders as well as United Nations monitors on the ground had reportedly thought the review would be considered a category 1, or maybe just considered a particularly hot take, and are now struggling to set up a base of operations to intake and process hordes of gamers who tried to ride out the review’s publication.
“A lot of them are in rough shape. They come in mumbling to themselves. ‘Uncensored, patched out graffiti, the bus was good marketing’ – none of it makes sense. We need more resources,” Luke Franks, spokesperson for the National Guard, said. “I mean just getting them hydrated and eating a solid three meals a day is a problem.”
“Most of these guys come in essentially nocturnal,” he added.
According to experts, hundreds of thousands of gamers are expected to be emotionally displaced after the publication of the generally pretty positive review.
“They have no where to go. It’s not clear if neighboring entertainment-based identities have the infrastructure required to support such a large migration on short notice,” Dr. Tammi Givens, head of UCLA’s political science department, said. “It’s almost all men. But the real problem is just the sheer number of plushies they bring with them; it’s just not logistically feasible.”
At press time it was reported several congresspeople were celebrating large stock market wins after they placed bets on gaming related companies before the aid was announced.
