Happy July 4th! It’s time to celebrate America’s birthday for seemingly the final time. There are a lot of ways one can celebrate America. Fireworks, hot dog eating contests, diabetes and kindergarteners gunned down in finger painting class. While those are all fantastic ways to honor the American way of life, there’s no better way to celebrate everything America is than by committing some war crimes. In video games of course. After all, engaging in very illegal and abhorrent atrocities with absolutely no consequences whatsoever and bragging about how cool it was has been the American way since 1776. So to get into the July 4th spirit, here are the best war crimes you can do in video games.
White Phosphorus – Spec Ops: The Line
Spec Ops: The Line may just be the most accurate military shooter ever made. Not because the gameplay is based on any sort of realism, but because it’s the only one that unequivocally paints your character as the bad guy and tells you to your face that you shouldn’t enjoy playing war crime simulators for fun. Of course on the flip side, playing war crime simulators is the greatest way to show your love for America. So on this July 4th, play Spec Ops: The Line and shoot white phosphorus at the civilians you’re supposedly there to liberate.
Genocide – Uncharted
Is there anything more American than going to a foreign nation and committing mass murder in order to steal their valuables? That tradition is the only thing America kept from the British. It’s not only part of the American way but it also keeps them grounded in their roots. In that regard Nathan Drake really is the All-American Hero of gaming. He’s a charming everyman but he’s also single handedly killed more people both World Wars combined and he does it to inflate his ego and line his pockets. Put him on Mount Rushmore.
Playing – Mario Party
Completely destroying any positive relationship you had with your allies in order to selfishly line your own pockets to the detriment of those around you. Handing out participation awards. Stealing from others with no remorse. Mario Party is the game of American Values.
Unauthorized Nuke – Fallout 3
Nuking a city filled with innocent civilians just as a means to an end. It’s a tough choice that Fallout 3 presents the player with but it stops being tough once you remember that your character is American. Nuking settlements filled with non-combatants in order to further your interests is exactly the kind of principles that modern America was founded on. So on this July 4th, you go ahead and nuke Megaton anddon;t even feel bad about it. Feeling bad about it is un-American.
Blue Shell – Mario Kart Series
It’s like using a nuke but worse.
Various – Call of Duty Series
Here it is. The be-all end-all of war crime simulations. The Call of Duty series. Truthfully I could have made this entire list with just Call of Duty games. From nukes to white phosphorus, there are a dozen war crimes you can do as multiplayer kill streaks alone. That’s before you even get into the campaigns that let you do things like partake in things like illegal torture all the way to the massacre of an entire airport of civilians. Call of Duty is so American that in the Modern Warfare reboot there’s a level that references an actual war crime that the real American Military committed but blames the Russians for it and has you be the hero. You can’t get more American than that. Happy July 4th!
