CRESTVIEW, Fla. — Sources have confirmed that Kacey Flach, a 25-year-old cosplay enthusiast, has expressed frustration at her failure to attract an unemployed man obsessed with video games and anime.
“I just don’t get it,” complained Flach, putting on the pink pigtail wig and fishnet stockings she wears casually. “All of my friends are in relationships, but no matter how much I try I just can’t find anyone who meets my standards. All I want is to find a single guy with no job or prospects who’s completely obsessed with video games. Is that really so hard to find?”
Although Flach’s career as a professional fashion model has earned her enough money to cater to every possible need of anybody who lives with her, she has yet to find a romantic partner willing to completely take advantage of her hospitality.
“Living alone isn’t so bad,” she explained. “It gives me plenty of time for all my hobbies, like cooking, cleaning, and having things I already know explained to me. But after a long day at work, it’d be really nice to come home to someone who expects me to be his new mom and therapist who also has sex with him while offering nothing in return, you know?”
Flach’s desire to find a man who spends most of his free time complaining about unreleased video games on Reddit has become a point of concern for those close to her.
“Poor Kacey,” said Tiffany Calvin, her best friend since college. “She’s a sweet person and deserves to find someone, but she really needs to lower her standards. Every time a guy approaches her, she thinks he’s too boring,” referring to men who are functional human beings. “It seems to happen every week at this point. We’re out getting a drink, a cute guy walks up to her, and he starts asking her about herself instead of explaining the plot of Fallout: New Vegas unprompted and she completely loses interest. I can’t understand why she wants to date a guy like that so badly, but the heart wants what it wants, I guess.”
Although thousands of men meeting Flach’s standards exist near her area, so far none have expressed any interest in her.
“Ew, gross,” said Matthew Thorgen, a local self-described pop culture critic, idly looking at Flach’s Tinder profile in-between deaths in League of Legends. “Look at her nose. And … is that a tattoo? Yeah, you can tell she’s just pretending to be into nerd stuff for attention. There’s no way a girl out there could ever actually get me.”
At press time, Flach was disappointingly looking at her social media feed, where so far not a single stranger has compared her to Ramona Flowers.
