NEW YORK – A blood drive at St. Sylvester’s hospital was forced to finish early when a local action hero tried to give blood by cutting straight across his palm with a huge knife, stunned witnesses confirmed.
“This is how it’s done,” said Trench Calhoun, veteran of a war and noted machine-gunner of henchmen. “You have to find that heart deep inside, lock it away, drink away the pain, find redemption. Then, when the killing is over and somehow that beautiful goddamn sun rises, you try to give back to the community. Except these dorks don’t want the blood of a bona fide American hero even when it’s flowing like the red in the flag.”
Nurse and phlebotomist, Sarah Cooper, has seen this kind of thing too many times.
“Dudes like this show up every time we run one of these drives,” she said, packing up her gear and cleaning hand blood from her clothes. “If it isn’t action heroes it’s scientists playing god or tribal warriors or demon hunters. They seem to think the only way to give blood is with a slow, dramatic palm cut when actually that’s highly unsanitary and totally useless to us.”
Oscar Newman, a representative of the Modern Action Hero Alliance condemned Trench’s actions.
“We don’t do that kind of thing anymore,” said Newman, a mild-mannered bank clerk who developed weather powers after being struck by lightning. “The modern action hero isn’t all salutes and palm cuts. Today it’s crazy amounts of abs instead of huge biceps, and wisecracks instead of possibly debilitating hand wounds. If someone asked me to give blood now I’d make a joke about Dracula then make a funny face and ask if he’s standing behind me. Then they’d put that scene at the end of the trailer for some reason as though it’s going to sway anyone unconvinced about the movie’s quality.”
Even in the face of this adversity, Trench intends to keep trying to give blood when he’s not drinking whiskey straight from the bottle or gazing longingly at a photograph of a woman who either died or left him due to his action hero lifestyle.
