NEW YORK — Multiple eyewitnesses claimed to have seen the assassin of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson emerging from a conveniently-placed cart of hay near West 54th Street and Avenue of the Americas in Manhattan following the shocking shooting early Wednesday.
“That was frigging nuts, man. Some dude just popped out of the cart, a few minutes after the gunshots, cloaked by a hood and wearing these cool-looking leather boots,” said resident New Yorker Jack Miller. “He shook off the hay and started walking. For a second, he caused a few yellow question marks to pop up over the heads of some policemen, but their suspicion meters went back down after he went around a corner and disappeared from their fields of vision. Outta sight, outta mind, I guess.”
Other witnesses on the scene claim to have heard an unidentified loud noise shortly after the assassination took place.
“I heard a big ‘FOOM!’ behind me and turned around to see some rustling in a hay cart being pulled by a Central Park horse carriage,” Monica Grayson of Hell’s Kitchen stated to the media. “It almost sounded like someone fell or something? Then I looked up and saw there was this big gargoyle sticking out from the skyscraper above me. I was like, ‘did someone just jump off of here and fall from the goddamn sky?’ But then I realized that can’t be right. Who would leave this cart full of soft, fluffy hay right underneath that thing, and who the hell would be stupid enough to try to dive into it?”
The NYPD have been on a manhunt for the assassin, and one officer offered his account of the pursuit in the immediate aftermath of the killing.
“Suspect was last seen sort of bobbing and weaving down 54th and doing parkour over trash bags and traffic cones.” Officer Anthony Rivelli told reporters. “We were in pursuit, but after a few minutes he blended into the crowd and started walking at a normal pace again. Nothing we could do at that point, he’d clearly entered a different section of the map.”
At press time, New York Mayor Eric Adams issued a public statement on Thompson’s death, assuring the city that “The Templars – uh, I mean, New York City’s finest, of course – are doing everything they can to catch this Assassin and bring him to justice.”
