CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple released some details about their upcoming new iPad Air tablet today, most notably the fact that it will electrocute any user to death that is not a verified user of the smart device, horrified sources have confirmed.
“Oh my god,” said one witness to today’s shocking presentation.” That demonstration was going along like normal, and then, oh god, I think that man died up there. Was that an actor? Oh my god. This is just like that scene in RoboCop, except it happened in front of my eyes and instead of a robot with a machine gun it was just some Apple intern’s hands melting to the iPad he was holding. I think I just witnessed a crime. I gotta say though, all of those other features looked great!”
Apple CEO Tim Cook confirmed what many shocked spectators had just witnessed.
“You see, Dave’s thumbprints didn’t match as a member of this iPad’s Apple Family,” he said, as Apple employees tended to Dave’s remains. “So the new iPad Air immediately bonded itself to Dave’s skin, and surged up to 5,000 volts, killing him in seconds. If the iPad Air is less than half charged, I’m afraid it’s more of a slow burn, and quite unpleasant, so we really recommend keeping this sucker charged up.”
While many were horrified, some applauded Apple’s continued commitment to innovation.
“They’ve done it again,” said Mark Thompson, a longtime Apple loyalist that was in attendance. “I’m sure there will be some finger wagging about ‘Oh, devices shouldn’t kill people,’ but I would just counter that with ‘Why are you using a device that isn’t yours?’ Turnabout is fair play, I’m afraid. Besides, if you think this is scary, just wait until Android comes out with some version of the tech. We could all be in some real trouble when that happens.”
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