CHERRY HILL, N.J. — 30-year-old gamer Anna Gaskins reportedly entered a fake birthday into Steam’s age verification system, despite actually being old enough to pass the check with her real birth date, sources confirmed earlier today.
“I always used to put a random birthday in when I was trying to buy violent games as a kid,” explained Gaskins. “I guess I just never thought to stop when I turned 18. I could just put in my real birthday, but that just feels like cheating, you know?”
According to Steam data, Gaskins has been running her age falsification con for at least 20 years. Employees at Steam only started noticing that something was amiss when Gaskins got lazy and kept leaving January 1st as her birthday, only swapping the year between checks.
“We are shocked to learn that Ms. Gaskins has bypassed our system,” said Steam engineer Jonah Khan in disbelief. “We have no idea how she has managed to continually breach our state of the art age checking technology over the past 12 years. Clearly we’re dealing with some sort of criminal mastermind here.”
Steam plans on thwarting Gaskins’ con by reinforcing the security of its age checking system. They plan to add an “Are you over the age of 18?” question in addition to the birth date entry form as an extra layer of security.
“Look, it’s not that I don’t want to put in my real birthday,” Gaskins told Steam’s legal team, as she attempted to justify her actions. “It’s just that it takes so long to find my birth year in the form at this point. Like, I have to scroll all the way to the 1980’s and… oh God. I was born in THE ‘80’s? Oh no. Oh God, no. Where has my youth gone?”
Following a review of the case, Gaskins was let off with a warning. A follow-up email from Steam’s admin team urged her to show some integrity in the future and be more honest like her 116-year-old younger sister.
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