OCALA, Fla. — Amid a series of lightning flashes and billowing smoke emitting from his house, a local occult teen has reportedly tried and failed multiple times to summon a demonic spirit with his attempts being rendered unsuccessful due to his horrible Latin pronunciation, sleep-disturbed neighbors have confirmed.
“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I spent years gathering all of the knowledge and necessary materials to carry out this ceremony,” said Devon Summers, also known as D’rgaath of the Shadow, while once more leafing through his dusty tome full of ink-scrawled Latin and archaic glyphs while mouthing the words to double-check his work. “Maybe I need to really let the words ring out for longer. Let’s try it one more time…Exe-may-us, say-tane-ee-oosa!”
Demons in the Seventh Circle of Hell have confirmed that they, too, have had their sleep disrupted by the uncertain, clumsy ramblings of the summoner trying to beckon one of them to the mortal realm.
“Bro, what is he saying?” said the Great Prince of Hell, Malphas, snorting as the incantation echoed through the walls of his den where he was relaxing with his wife, son, and 40 legions of subservient spirits. “‘…Prine-seps Bell-zee-bub, en-fur-nigh ardeentees…?’ None of this chant makes any fucking sense. The last time I took a job and didn’t totally understand what they were asking for, I mistakenly thought the guy wanted me to curse his prostate and I enlarged it until it exploded. I’m still in trouble for that one, so I’m not touching this with a ten-foot claw.”
Despite his distrust of the attempted conjuring, Malphas maintained a somewhat sympathetic and pitying stance towards the human summoner.
“I get it, he’s interested in the culture. But you’d think he’d take the time to at least try and learn some of the pronunciation if he was such a buff, you know?” said Malphas, shaking his head and breathing out a flame with an exhausted sigh. “They have Duolingo and shit up there. He doesn’t have an excuse.”
Others in the demon community were reportedly not as annoyed or rattled by the summoner’s attempt.
“I dunno, I might answer,” responded another demon, Lamia. “I think he sounds kinda hot, to be honest.”
