BOSTON — In collaboration with Good Guys Who Know Kung Fu, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology combed through days of action films and discovered that a staggering 80% of bad guys wearing suits know kung fu.
“This study was stupid and important,” said MIT student Garvin Portnoy, who came to the “80% Bad Guy Kung Fu” realization when playing C-list action films as white noise while conducting disease research in his spare time. “Our studies have blown the world of bad guys wearing suits knowing kung fu in action films wide open. Yes, the parallels have always been there, we just needed the technology and the funds to recognize how dumb and frequent this pattern is.”
One hero claimed that he had known of this phenomenon for some time, and that the math wasn’t always so simple.
“I can usually spot the 80 percent of asses that will get kicked pretty quickly,” stated Trap Blazer, hero of many straight-to-streaming action epics. “As a good guy who knows kung fu, it’s safe to assume four sharply dressed thugs drinking generic beer at a pool table know kung fu, but the guy who clings to a wall the moment the first kick connects is the one who doesn’t know kung fu.”
Several bad guys noted how this study could factor into future staffing decisions.
“We have a reputation for being bad and knowing kung fu, but there’s a lot of simple math involved too,” says Crowbar, a one dimensional bad guy who knows kung fu. “Eight percent may sound like a lot, but it might not be as great as you think. For example, let’s say that you need 100 mooks. Well, you should know that only 80 of the thugs are going to know kung fu and 20 are ready to rat you out.”
At press time, Garvin published another study showing that the ability of wooden furniture to provide cover from gunfire depended heavily upon the importance of the character hiding behind it.
