WASHINGTON — Recent proceedings in the United States’ government have led the current administration to reclassify President Donald Trump from ‘Leader of the Free World’ to ‘Leader of the Premium+ World,’ our sources confirm.
“The President has been very clear, if you want something from us, you’ve gotta pay for it,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt during her daily barrage of perfectly reasonable questioning. “If Ukraine wants peace they’re gonna have to sign over their precious metals, and perhaps a few major cities, that’s just how it’s gonna go down, don’t expect a hand out.”
The President’s new tariff policy has set a precedent to the rest of the world’s nations that the USA is done with negotiation and reason, and the only thing that will sway this administration is cold hard cash.
“The days of importing oil, vehicles, and computer hardware are over!” said Vice President JD Vance from the kid’s table. “The only thing we want coming into our country are burlap sacks with dollar signs on them, and the only thing we expect to export are Venmo requests and invoices for all the great content we supply to the world.”
During a recent flight on Air Force One, President Trump debuted his new ‘Trump Gold Card,’ a pay to win method for elite immigrants wanting to migrate into the burning wasteland that is the USA.
“It’s a great deal! $5 million for this beautiful piece of plastic, it’s so shiny I can see my gorgeous reflection in it,” said the President in between turbulence bumps and the pilot’s plea to fasten seatbelts. “Act now and I’ll throw in a free season of the upcoming USA Battle Pass, which includes a draft dodge bonus and a free play token to any Atlantic City Trump casino.”
The economy’s reaction to these bold diplomatic decisions has been less than enthusiastic – shrinking for the first time since the Covid-19 pandemic. American’s have been warned to expect empty shelves, rising prices, and new paywalls on features that used to be free.
At press time, the President has flirted with the idea of letting criminals and insane asylum escapees into the country if they have an impressive net worth.
