HOLLYWOOD, CA. — News broke this morning on President Trump’s Truth Social account that the Trump Administration has officially hired famed Hollywood actor, Chris Pratt, to be the new voice of RFK Jr.
“HUGE NEWS! HOLLYWOOD’S SEXIEST CHRIS (PRATT) (NO HOMO!) WILL NOW BE THE NEW VOICE OF OUR MAHA LEADER BOBBY KENNEDY! BOBBY IS A GREAT MAN BUT AWFUL VOICE! LISTENING TO HIM MAKES MY EARS HURT MORE THAN WHEN THEY GOT SHOT! OUCH! TO MAKE AMERICA HEALTHY AGAIN YOU HAVE TO SOUND HEALTHY! THAT’S WHY WE GOT CHRIS (NO LONGER FAT) PRATT TO GIVE BOB THE VOICE HE DESERVES! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER,” truthed President Trump.
The news was surprising to hear for many Americans around the country, but Pratt, himself, explained to reporters why he insisted on taking this iconic role.
“As we all know, I wasn’t always the healthiest man. So, this is a role that speaks to me personally. I can now be a real-life Star Lord and help others on their health journeys. Now, my voice can be the one to teach people that vaccines are actually just the sperm of Satan, that rubbing sterile goat urine on your body will de-age a person’s skin, and by drinking ample amounts of raw milk mixed with blended raw dog testicles, you’ll lose as much weight as I did before joining Marvel.”
There are still questions as to whether or not this casting will make serious changes to Americans’ health. But one American, in particular, has high hopes for a brighter future ahead.
“This new voice casting is going to save my marriage,” exclaimed actress Cheryl Hines, wife of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “It has been a long eleven years. He’s cheated on me, he wears his jeans to bed, he’s eaten almost all of our pets. And that voice! You know what’s more dead than the worm in his head? My libido. But having a voice like Chris Pratt replacing my husband’s could fix all of our problems! Yes, it won’t change the COVID-denying, measles-loving ass that he is. But at least he’ll sound sexier. Although, I still wish they could have gotten Hemsworth.”
At press time, Chris Pratt was seen entering the Department of Health, gargling narwhal blood to warm up his vocal cords for the day’s work ahead.
