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Buddha Quietly Shuffles Dalai Lama to New Plane of Existence

DHARAMSALA — In the wake of a controversial video featuring the Dalai Lama with a young boy, religious teacher The Buddha has decided to quietly shuffle the spiritual leader to another plane of existence.

“The Dalai Lama has clearly gone a bit astray, so after much thought I have decided it would be best if he spent some time in a different plane of metaphysical existence going forward,” said Siddhartha Gautama, also known as The Buddha, from his eternal residence beyond the cycle of death and rebirth. “Incidents with young boys happen often with spiritual men, but this one is a real doozy — instead of just moving him to another area or monastery, he’ll be secretly shifted to the plane of hungry ghosts until this whole thing blows over.”

The Dalai Lama was reportedly not happy with his reassignment.

“You ask one little boy to suck your tongue and all of a sudden you’re being shunted down to the infernal plane,” the Dalai Lama said. “I wish I was Catholic, then I would just get sent to another part of the country and get some new boys in my circle, but now the boss is entrapping my spirit in an unimaginable Hell until my soul attones. It should be alright though, I’m sure there’s plenty of nine year-old spirits down there for my life essence to mingle with.”

At press time, High Lamas in charge of finding the next reincarnation of the Dalai Lama announced that they were looking for young boys who wouldn’t “fuck up so goddamn much” this time around.