By the end of the 1970s the Muppets were a household name. The smash hit, The Muppet Show had become a global sensation due in part its ability to be easily dubbed over in any language, giving the fuzzy ensemble prime time airplay across the world. This immense fame could crack even the strongest wills, and the Muppets were no exception. Like many before them, and many to come after, The Muppets fell into the drug fueled underbelly of show business. Here are 20 Muppets ranked by how much cocaine they did in the ’70s and ’80s.
#20. Animal
It may be surprising for you to learn that Animal is straight edge. Hasn’t touched the stuff. His barbarous nature comes from love and passion for his lord and savior, Jesus Christ.
#19. Dr. Benson Honeydew
As a man of science, Dr. Benson Honeydew would much rather study the effects of a drug rather than taking it himself. This is what began a decades long study into cocaine and how it affects tubular laboratory assistants.
#18. Sam The Eagle
Sam fights his demons like a true American, by drinking a case of Miller Lite and defending the Second Amendment on Reddit.
#17. Swedish Chef
Cocaine is below the high status Swedish Chef. He would much rather take designer drugs at the discotheque to better feel the beat of the tambourine.
#16. Cookie Monster
Cocaine isn’t the only drug that ravaged this famed ensemble. Cookie Monster has been a junkie for the combination of flour, sugar, eggs, butter, and vanilla since 1969.
#15. Fozzy Bear
At his lowest point, Fozzy let out a guttural “Waka Waka” after doing a line, and knew he needed to get help. Since the ’80s Fozzy Bear has been an advocate for sobriety and was an integral member of both Robert Downey Jr. and John Mulaney’s interventions.
#14. Beaker
Beaker spoke coherently before his cocaine endeavors. His vocabulary consisted of at least three words. The awful drug turned the once prominent scientist into a hollow meep of a meep.
#13. Janice
Janice claims her introductory bump at an SNL after party was the first time she truly “felt.” She’s more into heroin these days.
#12. Statler & Waldorf
From “Life Within the Balcony Box,” Statler and Wladorf’s tell-all memoir, they write, “Nothing gave us more confidence to shout our opinions during a production than a speedball to the dome.”
#11. Oscar The Grouch
Oscar misses the coke fueled days of Sesame Street before the gentrification. Ever since those alphabet-loving, progressively diverse residents moved in, the street has never been the same.
#10. Miss Piggy
Miss Piggy hasn’t felt her face since 1975. C’mon, you really think those emotional karate outbursts aren’t fueled by cocaine?
#9. Scooter
After developing a full blown addiction in the 80s, Scooter found his way into the world of Hollywood executives, managing stars like Ariana Grande and Demi Lovato.
#8. Rizzo The Rat
Before joining The Muppets, Rizzo spent his days up-selling blow to cast members of The Muppet Show. His wisecracking presence backstage soon became a global sensation on televisions across the world.
#7. Bert
Ever wonder why Bert is always putting up with Ernie’s bullshit? It’s because Ernie is his coke dealer. Bert gets a lucrative friends and family discount.
#6. Ernie
Ernie didn’t want to be a part of the cocaine business, until he fell in love. Rubber Ducky, Ernie’s longtime partner, got him hooked on blow and sent his life into a downward spiral that John Singleton would love to direct.
#5. Pepe The King Prawn
Pepe’s knowledge of blow was so impressive that Netflix hired the coke sniffing crustacean as an on-set consultant for their original series Narcos.
#4. Rolf The Dog
The Muppet Show’s resident pianist loved keys in more than one sense of the word. But Rolf is a consummate professional who can juggle drugs and work better than Stephen King in the ’80s.
#3. Gonzo
Gonzo is a chicken loving stunt man with a nose built for blow. His tear jerking ballad from The Muppet Movie, “I’m Going to Go Back There Someday” was originally about his first bump of coke, and the high he’s been chasing ever since.
#2. Kermit The Frog
In 1979 Kermit was simultaneously filming his debut film, shooting the fourth season of the global sensation, The Muppet Show, and guest hosting The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson. It was backstage at this prestigious late night institution that Kermit first fell victim to the white powder. How else could he juggle being the most famous frog in the world?
#1. Dr. Teeth
Before cocaine, Dr. Teeth worked as an accountant from Boise, Idaho named John Collins. John coached his son’s tee-ball team and attended the local theater to support his wife’s acting career. It’s a shame that cocaine turned him into the gold toothed front-man of the Electric Mayhem.
