We’ve all had the debate with our friends, family, and coworkers; which level from 1997’s GoldenEye would you most like to get blown out in? Somehow no respected publication has set out to solve this ancient debate, so as always, we’ve done the responsible thing and answered the call that our duty was making to us. Hm. There’s gotta be a better way to say that.
There has to be some rules, so here are five I came up with that I thought would help fairly evaluate how much I would like to get ripped in one of these levels from GoldenEye:
- I will not recognize these as the levels from GoldenEye.
- No one is trying to kill me, nor do I see anyone else. I’m also not finding guns and body armor laying around.
- For the purpose of the ranking, I’m just gonna go with it and base it on how I think the vibes are, not freak out about how I’m an Egyptian temple or whatever.
- I have an hour to kill. I’m seeing a movie or meeting a friend for lunch. Doesn’t matter. The important thing is I have a little time.
- I got a big fat boy I rolled up before I left the house.
So with these rules in mind, here are the 11 levels ranked!
11. Bunker
Ooh, this one wouldn’t be any fun at all. Not only does it have a real important-people-work-here feel, but to make it even worse there’s the yellow and black warning bars all over everything. It’s one thing to worry about someone smelling what you’re up to, or maybe setting off a smoke detector. It is quite another to worry about accidentally triggering some intense sprinkler system and having guys in Hazmat suits come blast you with chemicals. No, I don’t think I’d enjoy smoking weed in the Bunker multiplayer map from GoldenEye 007.
10. Complex
I would probably hate smoking weed in the Complex! There are a ton of little hallways and ramps and ways to go. I’d almost certainly get lost, and no matter what I did I’d either get more lost, or just end up, like, up on a balcony looking down at where I needed to be and getting really bummed out. I used to get lost in here frequently and people would shoot the hell out of me, and that was when I was a kid and playing GoldenEye ALL THE TIME. I wouldn’t stand a chance as an adult that just smoked a bunch of his back pain medicine.
9. Library
This is an awfully big level, perhaps to a fault. This two story sucker is also split up into the separate Basement and Stack levels, so frankly, it’s probably too much to take in when I am just smoking weed and poking around for an hour. Sure, there’s a potential ‘Wow!’ factor to standing on the grate and thinking “Oh shit, I think I can get down there from here,” but it all just runs the risk of time getting away from me, and then my whole day gets fucked up. Also, where are the books?!
8. Archives
This level looks a lot like the Stack portion of the Library level, but some little differences knock it down the list a few spots. Namely, it looks cold as hell in there. Even with sunlight coming through the windows, this feels like a hostile environment, nary a poster or wall outlet in sight. My kudos to the designers of this nearly 30 year old level for being able to create such an environment with the hardware of the time. As a current day guy looking to have a nice little adventure, however, your creation is sorta bumming me out.
7. Basement
Basements can be so many things to smoke weed in. This one is kind of middle of the road. It’s not a finished basement with couches and video games or anything, but it’s hardly the dankest I’ve ever seen. Given some time to focus solely on the lower portion of the Library level, I would probably find more time to get spooked out by the darker corners here. Overall though, this is a pretty dry basement, and I think I’d do okay in here, except I’d probably be real jumpy about the possibility of there being bugs down there.
6. Egyptian
Pretty similar to the Temple level you’ll find higher on the list, but the sad truth is that the added historical context of the Egyptian stuff all over this one is just gonna make me feel a combination of guilt for not caring more about history and depression over how long all of those historical Egyptian people have been dead. It’s just a lot to take in!
5. Stack
The top half of the Library level is big cold and there is nothing to do. This is might be one of the more boring places to smoke weed in, but that’s not the worst thing considering the intensity of what we’ve already discussed. I’d definitely have a little bit of fun going up the ramps and stuff, too, I think. Then I’d get a little scared of heights and come down. Yeah, I’d probably get toasted and have a whole little journey in here. It’d be alright.
4. Temple
This is a wide open place that I’d probably be relatively into exploring. The big open areas would make me probably yell dirty words to hear an echo and then I’d get really paranoid about how far the sound ended up traveling and who might’ve heard it, so that might be a drag. Lots of hidden passageways, but to be honest, I’m not sure I’d be checking for things like that. Imagine how cool it would be to find one though! All in all, if you have an hour to kill and want to smoke weed somewhere, you could do much worse than the Temple from GoldenEye!
3. Cave
Ooh, now this is a nice one. The right cave could be a real bummer, but this one is spacious, dry, and I don’t see a single bat in here. Dude, I’d love it in here and I’d hope like hell I could remember how I found it, because then I’d have a cool place to go smoke weed. I could be like “Oh hey, sorry I didn’t make it to karaoke, I ended up in my secret weed smoking cave. I probably shouldn’t say very much more about it.” And then everyone else at work would just be like “huh?” But you know they’d be jealous.
2. Caverns
I think the Caverns would be a real bitchin’ place to smoke weed in, assuming all of the doors were unlocked and working for you and all that. You know when there’s an elaborate lair or something and people compare it to something “A James Bond villain would have”? That is this place’s whole vibe, literally. There’s caves, catwalks, bridges over little bodies of water, and cool ass hallways that look like you’ll come out the other side on the damn moon. Frankly, if I started smoking weed in the Caverns, I might never want to come out.
1. Facility
Facility grabs the top spot not because it’s the best multiplayer map (it is) or because I’m making this list up as I go along (how dare you), but mostly because it’s the only level with a proper bathroom. I can go an hour without a bathroom, but I really don’t want to. And sure, I’d probably be ok to pee in the corner of the Caves or something, but I am no caveman. I want to wash my hands, okay? There’s a lot of cool places to explore in this level as well, but it’s obviously a place where people work, so again, I’d probably just chill out in the bathroom and hope no one came in there. That’s my zone. And then if I was still worried, I would probably just crawl up into the duct and use a vape pen. I am invincible!
