It’s scary enough when a sudden medical emergency strikes in real life. Now imagine how much more terrifying that would be in the Marvel universe where a guy dressed as a rhino might tip a car over on you. To make matters even worse, the Marvel universe is teeming with people calling themselves doctors with a wide variety of medical qualifications. Here’s a handy ranking of Marvel’s various “doctors” to let you know who to look to in your moment of need.
#29 — Doctor Faustus
Not only is Doctor Faustus a psychologist, with limited ability to help you in an emergency, but he’s literally a nazi. Maybe I’m paranoid but I wouldn’t trust the ethics of a nazi doctor. Y’know, because of history.
#28 — Doctor Everything
Doctor Everything claims to be omnipotent. Despite that, he was easily defeated by Venom and arrested. That means he’s unqualified to help you with your asthma attack, and he’s willing to lie about it. He’s the kind of guy who will tell an actual doctor to stand back while he “heals” you with his “powers.”
#27 — Doctor Angst (Floyd Mangles)
Doctor Angst is an awful guy to have around in an emergency. He’s a supervillain who’s unlikely to come to your aid and even if he does decide to it’s unlikely he could do anything for you. How competent could the leader of the Band of the Bland be? It’s not even clear if he actually has a doctorate.
#26 — Doctor Spectrum (Joseph Ledger)
This guy turned out to not be a real guy at all, but a human puppet made by one of Marvel’s dozen or so devil stand-ins. All of the Doctor Spectrums are pretty useless if you need medical aid, but the one who only exists as part of a diabolical plot seems especially unlikely to help.
#25 — Doctor Spectrum (Kinji Obatu)
Before becoming a blatant Green Lantern rip-off, Kinji was the finance minister of Uganda. Neither of those are going to help you at all when your appendix bursts on a plane.
#24 — Doctor Spectrum (William Roberts)
This Doctor Spectrum is just as unqualified to help you with a medical issue as the others. He comes in ahead of Kinji because he was originally an evangelical preacher so maybe he can faith heal your appendix. Has that ever worked before?
#23 — Doctor Spectrum (Martha Gomes)
I’m assuming you’re skipping past all these Doctor Spectrum entries by this point. Who knew there were so many Doctor Spectrums? Had you even heard of Doctor Spectrum before? Anyway, this one is a factory worker. She’s ahead of the last guy because, I don’t know, maybe she helped a guy who lost a finger in a machine or something once.
#22 — Doctor Spectrum (Nenet)
I was going to skip this one because she’s from another universe, but apparently, she ended up in 616 at some point. She’s an oceanographer, which doesn’t lend itself to health care, but hey apparently it helps you direct blockbusters so who knows?
#21 — Doctor Spectrum (Alice Nugent)
Yet another Doctor Spectrum who seemingly has no medical training. She was Ant-Man’s lab assistant for a while, so she can probably help if you happen to have a lab accident-based emergency. She can guide you to the eye wash station, that sort of thing.
#20 — Doctor Spectrum (Janet Van Dyne)
Holy shit, we’re finally out of Doctor Spectrums. Janet Van Dyne at least is a superhero, so she’ll probably try to help, even if the power prism turns whoever wields it evil. God, I hate that I know how the power prism works now. And hey, so do you.
#19 — Doctor Angst (Jonas Mueller)
Unlike the other Doctor Angst, Jonas at least clearly has a doctorate. Unfortunately, it’s in psychology. He won’t be able to keep you alive, but he can probably give your loved ones grief counseling. Warning: that grief counseling will somehow turn them against Spider-Man.
#18 — Doctor Nemesis (Michael Stockton)
One of many Marvel doctors whose degree seems to be in the nebulous field of “super science”. He’s basically Ant-Man but as a C-list villain. I guess he could shrink down and try to save you Innerspace style, but with no medical training, he’ll probably do more harm than good.
#17 — Doctor Dredd
Not only is Doctor Dredd not really a doctor, he’s not even human. He’s a dire wraith who uses dark magic for nefarious purposes. He probably won’t care about the concussion you got from slipping on the ice and even if he does I’m not sure healing spells fall under the dark magic umbrella.
#16 — Doctor Noc
Doctor Noc’s PhD is in…paranormal science. I guess that makes sense in the 616 universe, but it’s not going to help you unless your medical problem is demon possession. At least he probably won’t make things worse.
#15 — Doc Samson
Perhaps the most popular superhero psychologist, Doc Samson might not be able to help set your leg after an accident, but he will help you through some breathing exercises until the paramedics arrive. He’s a good dude who’s going to do everything he can, which unfortunately for you, isn’t much.
#14 — Doctor Demonicus
For a guy who calls himself Doctor Demonicus, Douglas Birely isn’t the worst guy to have around when you get a concussion playing softball. His solution to the problem will inevitably be turning you into a monster with genetic manipulation, but he will solve the problem. Again, his name is Doctor Demonicus. What did you expect?
#13 — Doctor Nod
This Great Lakes Avenger villain’s crowning achievement was making the ultimate diet pill. Considering that the pill turned him into a kaiju, it seems unlikely that his operation was FDA approved. He’ll probably offer to help with your seizure but he might also test some shady homemade medication on you. And who knows, maybe this one will work.
#12 — Doctor Octopus
Otto Octavious’ medical expertise seems to be limited exclusively to attaching robot arms to a person’s body. For most medical emergencies that’s not going to help. On the other hand, imagine getting hit by a car and waking up with metal tentacle arms. It wouldn’t help stop your internal bleeding but it is pretty rad.
#11 — Doctor Octopussycat
This is just a cat version of Doctor Octopus. He gets the bump over his human counterpart because of how cute he is. Look at his evil little ears. Adorable.
#10 — Doctor Nemesis (James Bradley)
On the surface, Doctor Nemesis seems like the perfect guy to have around after you get hit by a car. He’s a medical doctor with decades of experience and access to advanced scientific technology. Unfortunately, he was on a nazi supervillain team for a while in World War II. He swapped sides and hunted Nazis after the war, but it’s still a little too close to Josef Mengele for comfort.
#9 — Doctor Bong
Lester Vered is a man of many talents: psychologist, journalist, supervillain, and scientist. Unfortunately, his only talent with any medical application is as a geneticist. So unless your medical emergency is an undiagnosed genetic disorder suddenly acting up, he won’t be any help. To be fair, you really shouldn’t put much stock in a guy with a bell for a head.
#8 — Doctor Druid
Another psychologist-turned-super person. Doctor Druid is usually a hero, so he’s probably going to at least try to help you, and he might be able to magic away your ailment. On the other hand, he’s also the kind of guy who might just give you a crystal while you’re having a stroke and then walk away.
#7 — Doctor Voodoo
If you thought Doctor Druid was the only doctor of psychology to become a magic-based superhero, you’d be dead wrong. Doctor Voodoo comes in ahead of his Druidic counterpart because he’s better at magic and just less of a dick. If he can’t magically cure you he’ll at least teleport you to a hospital or something.
#6 — Doctor Doom
Victor Von Doom is a master of numerous sciences, a master sorcerer, and the inventor of the time machine. There is no doubt Doom could save you from any emergency. But ask yourself this: is your life worthy of Doom’s time? I’ll just leave you to mull that over.
#5 — Doctor Minerva
Of all the geneticists on this list, Doctor Minerva is the most likely to cure your bacterial infection without turning you into a goop monster or frog or something. Your status as a human might prevent her from helping you depending on her current allegiances, but if she does step in you’re in good hands.
#4 — Doctor Vault
While his control over The Living Colossus is of no medical value, Aloysius Vault is a hell of a doctor. He successfully helped a man regain the ability to walk with regular physical therapy. No deals with Mephisto or cybernetics or anything. That’s exactly the guy you want around when your peanut allergy puts you in anaphylactic shock.
#3 — Doctor Sun
Doctor Sun mastered the ability to put a human brain into a robot body. It’s his one move so you’re only going to want him around in a life-or-death situation. Sure, it’s nice if he saves you from a heart attack by giving you a robot body, but you might be less grateful when it’s also how he “fixes” your sprained ankle.
#2 — Doctor Decibel
Finally, an actual medical doctor (no offense to psychologists). His specialty seems to be…vocal cord surgery. Still, he went to med school and could provide emergency care. While he used to be a villain he was mind-controlled into being a hero, so he literally has no choice but to help you!
#1 — Doctor Strange
A medical doctor and the Sorcerer Supreme, Dr. Strange is one of the best guys to have around when you have a brain aneurysm. If he can’t medically treat you he’ll call upon the power of Gorgerell to save you. The only downside is that you will have to listen to a monologue about it afterwards. You might wish he’d let you die by the time he’s done.
