Ah yes, the Planet Popstar. The friendly, backwater planet that somehow looks like a giant yellow star from space while simultaneously having multiple natural biomes that also appear on earth. Never mind all that, though; the important thing to know is that although menaces such as the greedy King Dedede, the violent Meta Knight and the psychotic Marx may threaten the land, Popstar’s greatest warrior, Kirby will always prevail and ensure that the sovereign nation of Dream Land remains a peaceful and happy place.
Or so it will be, until the carbon emissions emitted by such sources of pollution as the the Haltmann Works Company and the Burning, Churning Power Plant overwhelm the ozone layer and increase the planet’s overall global temperatures by more than two degrees Celsius by the year 2040. It is a fate that awaits all industrialized planets, and not even magical lollipops that make you temporarily invincible will be enough to save you from the heat death of the universe.
Which begs the question: How will the people of Popstar respond upon hearing about their doomed futures? Will they rise to action? Break down and develop chronic mental disorders? Forsake their home and peace out to Halcandra with all of the planet’s more privileged residents? Here are the official scientific results for how emotionally impacted Dream Land’s most notable residents will be after receiving the devastating news that an imminent climate disaster will remove the ability for 99% of sentient life to subsist on their home planet.
32. Gordo
If we were to approach Gordo with news of world-ending climate disasters, thousands losing their homes to increasingly powerful hurricanes and floods, and the loss of wildlife itself, we imagine that Gordo would simply stare at us with their deep, piercing blue eyes. There we would find the truth: That at the beginning and ending of all things, Gordo remains. Gordo feels no pain. Gordo knows no end; no apocalypse is too drastic to be more than a blink in the eyes of Gordo. Gordo is only Gordo, and that’s all that needs to be known. They also love NASCAR races too much to start giving a shit now, but it’s mainly the eternal, omnipresent being thing.
31. Magolor
Once Magolor knows about the impending climate change disaster coming to Popstar, he will kick his plans of universal domination into high gear by conquering some other nearby planet (possibly Halcandra again?) and making it a viable home for vulnerable climate refugees. From there, it would be a simple matter to exploit all of his new immigrants into underpaid labor and allow him to build a new spaceship so he could take over even more planets. The worst part is that he would have that intrepid, cheerfully polite manner about him the entire time, even though everyone would know how morally corrupt he truly was, and how he was weaponizing a terrible atrocity to his benefit. High five, low five and all that!
30. Burning Leo
For the longest time, Burning Leo has cracked this great joke at parties about how great it would be for him if he got to watch the world burn. Now that it’s an imminent reality, all of Leo’s friends are realizing that he was really, REALLY not joking.
29. Gooey
You might assume that your best pal Gooey wouldn’t be upset about climate change because he’s made of dark matter and therefore would be completely unaffected, but he’s actually just one of those hardcore libertarians who fervently denies that climate change is real. Sheesh. You think you know a guy, right?
28. Marx
Marx is actually a diagnosed sociopath, so he doesn’t really care about any harm that may befall others, but he will donate a modest sum of money to the cause if enough people subscribe to him on Twitch by the end of the week. The precise wording of the pledge will allow him to covertly donate the money to a major oil-drilling company, which he will find hilarious.
27. Broom Hatter
Broom Hatter just wants to sweep. It doesn’t matter if they’re sweeping dust, people, or the ashes of every incinerated forest and vegetative species on the planet; if Broom Hatter’s sweeping, they’re happy.
26. Kracko
Kracko is literally a cloud, so even though he might go through some pretty severe mood swings due to the rapidly changing weather, he’ll probably be fine. He’ll be kind of a dick about it when his friends talk about global warming too. “Wow, this climate change thing must be really hard for all of you guys since you like, actually have to rely on regulated temperatures and stable global conditions to survive. I feel for you, but I just can’t bring myself to pitch in and help out when I have all this weather stuff keeping me busy!” Fuck off, Kracko.
25. Scarfy
Scarfy is also a climate change denier, but he’s not as open about it as Gooey. His cutesy orange look has a strictly “apolitical stance” on all issues, so you really have to spend a lot of time with him to see his ugly side. It’s really hard to stay friends with him after you hear all of his wild conspiracy theories that honestly have messed him up more than anything in actual reality ever could, which is quite the bar to clear. After you’re done hanging out with him, you’ll probably feel like, “You know what? Maybe climate change isn’t so bad after all.” It’s far better than what he’s been saying about what kind of experiments they’ve been performing on Bronto Burts in the Halberd, that’s for sure.
24. Leongar
Leongar is one of those gym rats who believes that nothing can kill him if he benches enough weight and consumes enough raw protein powder. When we warn him about climate change, he’ll probably scoff, jump on a motorcycle with no muffler, and continue ruling over his pack of beasts. Ironically, the beast pack will get wiped out as soon as their primary prey goes extinct from the severe droughts that will have swept over the Originull Wasteland by 2035. But hey, keep hitting those squats buddy, you’re doing great.
23. Poppy Bros. Jr.
Climate change will topple the supply chain and make it much harder for Poppy Bros. Jr. to get his hands on gunpowder, which he’ll be furious about because he loves his explosives, but come on. This guy’s hobby is blowing shit up, including your face. You really think a little world-ending disaster is going to get to him? He’ll have that gleeful grin on his face until the day you die, and you should really just accept that instead of trying to fix him.
22. Meta Knight
Meta Knight will mainly be upset about the climate change news because it will put newfound pressure on him to decarbonize the Halberd, which is his pride and joy. He’ll ultimately just greenwash by claiming that his donations to various environmental nonprofits make his ship carbon neutral, with no scientific evidence to back the numbers up, so it won’t really impact him much in the end. Still, he’ll whine a lot about how he’s getting villainized by the woke mob. It’s very hard being a rogue, edgy knight who owns an entire ship and doesn’t even have to work, you know.
21. Waddle Doo
Waddle Doo will get very confused about the whole climate thing and ask a bunch of questions about it, but will never fully understand just how bad it is. He’ll retain the fact that all of the Driblees will go extinct, and be pretty sad about that, but that’s basically as far as he’ll ever get, and won’t dwell on it much. To be fair, if I could emit magic spells from my eyeball, I wouldn’t really worry about climate change either.
20. Yin Yarn
Initially, Yin Yarn will see the death of the organic, natural world as a great opportunity to make a case for turning everything into yarn, because that tends to be what Yin Yarn thinks about most of the time. His momentum will inevitably fizzle out once everyone remembers that the rapidly spreading wildfires will set all the yarn aflame, and Yin Yarn always gets, like, SUPER depressed when his newest plan to turn everything into yarn goes awry. He really needs to get a hobby.
19. Elfilin
Elfilin’s species is kinda like the white-tailed deer of the Popstar ecosystem; urbanization and climate change will actually help him more than hurt him, and make the lives of his family a whole lot easier as the beast pack begins to die out. He’ll still see the direness of the situation and donate some money to the cause, but like, not that much money.
18. Cappy
Cappy’s newfound fear of climate change will be vastly overshadowed by his fear of getting his mushroom cap sucked off his head yet again. It’s happened so many times that he really doesn’t have a mind for much else. He goes to therapy twice a day for it; it’s really a chronic trauma, and we’re worried for him.
17. Dark Matter
As soon as Dark Matter hears about climate change, he’s going to rebrand entirely to start showing off how he is one with nature or something. It’s an ostensibly important cause to him, but he’s really kind of an asshole about it, and we suspect that all of this may be a ploy for him to seem really cool and edgy in a more modern and relevant way, but we can’t exactly prove that he doesn’t really care deeply about this cause.
16. Knuckle Joe
It’s not that Knuckle Joe doesn’t care about climate change, it’s just that he has a lot of other causes that he’s prioritized throughout his life and he wants to keep on focusing on those. If he really dwelled on it, he would realize that he finally encountered an issue that he couldn’t punch his way through, and that might be a bit too much for him. He will start adjusting to a vegan diet at least, and he won’t even make a big thing out of it.
15. Adeleine
Adeleine will start adjusting to a vegan diet, and she will make a huge thing out of it. She will talk nonstop about how hard it’s been for her, mentioning how “interesting” it is that Kirby still eats meat considering the carbon cost, and gushing about how much she loves almond milk lattes. She will continue to fly down to the Float Islands every winter and buy coats made from Gaw Gaw fur, but she is so concerned for the planet she loves so much, and she’s definitely going to make a painting about “all this.”
14. Sir Kibble
Sir Kibble has the mind of someone from the middle ages, and he has no discernable idea what this “science” is, let alone climate change. However, if you’re concerned about it, he’s concerned about it too. He’ll try to get you equipped for the battle in a lot of very unhelpful and outdated ways, but his heart is in the right place.
13. Nightmare
Nightmare is one of those weirdos who is profusely against any and all human rights or equity in society while also being fiercely passionate about addressing environmental issues. He’s basically the Teddy Roosevelt of Dream Land, if that makes sense; he’ll turn The Big Forest and a whole lot of other natural beauties into national monuments and parks, which is great and all, but then he’ll feel like he solved all of the problems for himself, and he won’t really be broken up over the whole thing anymore.
12. Chef Kawasaki
Chef Kawasaki will be pretty depressed about climate change, but he’s going to fall into his own cooking pot and get turned into a fresh-baked apple pie like three days after we tell him about it, so it’ll fall from his mind pretty quickly. Unfortunate that we lose him when we do; he would have been one of the most reliable food sources since he could just turn literally anything edible with that magical cooking pot. Rest in peace, Chef Kawasaki. We’ll never forget you.
11. King Dedede
Most sovereign entities would not be affected at all by the early impacts of climate change, but King Dedede is a penguin, and he knows what’s about to go down. Looking truly noble is very important to him, but he does stash a ton of ice packs underneath his royal garb to stay cool at all times, and now he’ll have to replace those even more often with the rising temperatures to ensure that none of his subjects mistake the melting ice for sweat. Royalty does not sweat! He’ll also be really, really upset once his farmer’s crops begin to fail, and his gourmet diet begins to go down the drain. Like I don’t know what this man is going to do without his food, straight up.
10. Lololo & Lalala
Lololo & Lalala push blocks around in Dedede’s castle for a living, so their immediate job security and protection from the impending heat is pretty stable. With that being said, Dedede’s subjects consider them to be two of “the good ones”, because they usually look out for them, and they’ll definitely be concerned for their people. They’re all about taking action and not letting their thoughts get to them, so the worst of their climate anxiety will be held at bay until a hurricane lifts one of the boxes full of donated food that Lololo is pushing and tragically hurls it into him three times. That’s when things will start to get really dark for Lalala.
9. Bonkers
After Bonkers learns about climate change, he’ll likely just start smoking a lot more weed and complaining about late-stage capitalism without actually doing anything about it. His closest friends will know that he’s really not taking the news well, but he’ll never open up about it and instead just keep pushing them away. He should probably go to therapy, but he won’t.
8. The Animal Friends
Rick, Kine and Coo will actually co-found the first environmental nonprofit to combat climate change. While the fear and dread they have regarding their planet’s future will be substantial, those feelings will quickly be overshadowed by a far worse nightmare: Managing and funding projects for a nonprofit organization.
7. Blade Knight
Blade Knight will have a really hard time getting out of the house after he’s hit with the news, especially since he’s a ways out of Dream Land and has to drive everywhere. He’ll feel a profound level of guilt whenever he takes a shower, commutes to work, or leaves the bathroom light on overnight, and that guilt will paralyze him on a daily basis. But hey, when Kirby eats him, he sort of looks like Link from The Legend of Zelda! Isn’t that a fun little easter egg?
6. Bandana Waddle Dee
Bandana Waddle Dee always represents and speaks for the people, and he will lead several marches on oil and gas companies and billionaires’ properties to exercise his free speech and argue for action to be taken in favor of environmental justice. Deep down, Bandana Waddle Dee is tired and sad about the state of his world, but more than anything, he is angry. He picked up a spear to fight against a tyrannical alien colonizer thirteen years ago, and he refuses to stop fighting now. I hope that I can be more like Bandana Waddle Dee, someday.
5. Kirby
You know how Kirby always looks angry on the box art for all of his North American releases, whereas he always looks really happy in all of the Japanese art? You might think it’s just a strange marketing decision that Nintendo made, but Kirby is actually just pissed about North America’s meager response to the 21st century climate emergency. Expect Kirby to bring that exact same energy to Dream Land if Dedede and all the other people in power don’t get their shit together.
4. Waddle Dee
In the face of every disaster, who must be the first to march forth and fight? That’s right: Waddle Dee. Waddle Dee is ostensibly loyal, laid back, and lazy, but after knowing the next crisis that they’ll be put up against by their cowardly king, those black beady eyes will stay wide open every night, knowing that no parasol could possibly grant them safety from the storm that’s coming.
3. Chilly
We don’t really need to explain this to you, do we? Our only consolation to Chilly is that at least his death will be quick. It definitely will NOT be painless, though.
2. Bugzzy
Bugzzy’s species will be among the first to go extinct after climate change overtakes Dream Land, so you can bet he’s going to be scarred for life from this chain of events.
Whenever he tries to suplex foes from this point on, he’ll just stop at hugging them and then beg them to never let him go. All of his wrestling fans are going to feel tremendously awkward about watching this happen in the ring, that’s for sure.
1. Whispy Woods
Whispy Woods cries every time he gets beaten up, so we can only imagine how upset he’s going to be as more and more of the forests in Dream Land burn to the ground. If we had to guess, he’ll probably end up in some preserved land trust and basically just cry out all of the water he gets through his roots, and then cry some more. We look forward to crying with him.
