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Remember The Sandlot? I Bet You Do, You Old Piece of Shit

Nostalgic for the halcyon days of your youth with all of its familiar pieces of pop culture ephemera? Perhaps in your waking daydreams you occasionally pause to remember the modern classic children’s baseball film, The Sandlot? Don’t answer — I can already tell you do by the look of your thin-ass wiry grey hair, you old fucking piece of shit. Yeah, I bet you’re so old you saw that shit in theaters, didn’t you? Mommy and daddy called you a horse-drawn carriage to take you to the moving pictures show, didn’t they, motherfucker?

I bet your first crush was some Victorian-era looking girl named Wendy Peffercorn, too, right? She probably died like 20 years ago from old age, meanwhile here you are just waiting for death’s cold embrace to finally end what was once a youthful spark of life full of hopes and dreams and optimism for the future. I’m sure you have some firsthand stories about using dial-up, too, don’t you, old sport? And by the way, you can spare me your impression of the AOL modem dialing noise, pops. In some cultures, you would be revered as an Elder, y’know, so the least I can do is to whisper a familiar line or two from The Sandlot into your ear to lull you to sleep for the remainder of this article.

“You’re killing me, smalls!” Boy oh boy, remember that great line? Maybe not, I know it’s becoming harder and harder for you to really remember anything these days. But don’t worry, I’m sure those omega-3 fish oil pills will start helping with that any day now. If it doesn’t help you remember fun Sandlot trivia, maybe it will at least relieve you of lying awake every night, reliving all of your past mistakes, thinking of all of the things you could have done differently if only you’d known how fast time would pass you by.

Anyway, don’t forget to take your arthritis pills before you try and write a comment on this article about how you would always rent The Sandlot on VHS over and over from Blockbuster, you decrepit old fuck, because we all know the only thing you have left to cling to is your memories of that last whimpering decade where the world wasn’t completely fucked to distract you from the fact that you will never afford to raise a family like people could back then. You yuppie ’90s kids make me fucking sick.

By the way, did you know the original title of the film was The Boys of Summer? Pretty neat little factoid!