ST. LOUIS — Patrons of a local Regal Cinemas reportedly got excited when noticing the movie they were going to see had an epilepsy and gunshot warning, meaning it would likely be sick as Hell.
“There’s flashing lights and firearms in this bitch? This is gonna go so hard,” said moviegoer Eric Robertson. “Don’t tell me, they have some graphic imagery and mature themes? Fuck yes. I’m so pumped. This little taped-up warning says that those with photosensitive epilepsy may be made uncomfortable so you already know this shit is going to pop the fuck off. Now, I don’t have epilepsy as far as I know, so this movie is going to be right up my alley. I feel bad for anyone who can’t enjoy the loud noises and rapid colors that this film is apparently bringing to the table. One ticket please!”
Theater attendees with epilepsy lamented their inability to see such an awesome movie.
“Damn, that movie sounds so cool, the way they’re warning me about its content almost sounds like they’re rubbing it in,” epileptic Ryan Fledgely said. “I didn’t even want to see that movie until they told me that the vascular malformation in my brain can’t handle it. It’s honestly a pretty good advertising campaign for a movie, saying that anyone with a brain tumor would explode if they saw it. I bet it’s so crazy when all the guns and random strobe lights start going off at the same time. Now I’m forced to just see this lame movie that had a ‘mild peril’ warning. Not even above average peril. God damn it. I hope there’s at least some crude humor.”
At press time, sources noted that the film’s cultural stock reportedly skyrocketed further after viewing it sent three children to the hospital.
