MILWAUKEE — Doing his best to set aside any biases, local Letterboxd user MrPizza22 reportedly tried not to let the handjob he received in the theater during Fast X affect the integrity of his Letterboxd review of the film.
“Would you say eating popcorn and sipping soda influences your opinion of a movie? That’s what I thought,” said MrPizza22. “As film critics — and by that I mean Letterboxd users — we have a moral duty to serve our [4] followers. They rely on us to know whether a movie is good or bad, and I would never in a million years let the fact that I literally came inside of an empty soda cup after my girlfriend jacked me off betray my opinion of the movie. When I say Fast X made me deeply aroused, I truly mean it was just the film.”
Despite this, MrPizza22’s review was astoundingly popular, considering his dislike of every single other movie in the series.
“I did not expect this movie to evoke such a profound sense of pleasure out of me,” read MrPizza22’s review of Fast X. “I was gripped from the very beginning. The rhythmic pacing worked along with the pulsating soundtrack to create a tension that was delightful yet maddening, and really kept me on the edge of my seat. If there was one word I could describe Fast X with, it would be ‘ejaculation.’ Definitely the best theater-going experience I’ve had in years!”
Letterboxd Co-Founder Matthew Buchanan addressed the recent rise in seemingly biased reviews.
“There’s no right way to watch a movie,” said Buchanan. “But we heard your voices and we listened, which is why we’re proud to announce a brand new feature coming to Letterboxd, the ‘Received Handjob’ button. Users will now be required to indicate whether or not they received a handjob during every movie they review, so their biases are clear up front.”
At press time, the user who gave the handjob, wandering_Walrus, also wrote a review for the movie, which simply reads “that shit sucked.”
