ROCHESTER, N.Y. — During a charity visit to a St. Jude’s children hospital, the star-studded cast of the Marvel Cinematic Universe reported that local sick child, nine-year-old Billy Ryans, primarily used the visit to lay into Jeremy Renner for his poor portrayal of the comic book archer Hawkeye.
“Well, well, well,” Ryans began grandly. “Look who it is. I was wondering when you would drag your sorry ass in here. Everyone, thank you for your visit, it’s nice to see you, but Thor, Hulk, Cap, you may leave. I need to have a word with Jeremy here. Notice, Mr. Renner, that I did not address you by your character’s name; this is very intentional. I know I’m expected to ask you all questions about your heroic adventures and you respond in character, but I only have this to ask: did you think you would get away with it? Your pathetic, miserably contrived portrayal of Hawkeye was the worst thing I’ve seen since the lab results that put me in this hospital.
Renner said that the tirade was completely unexpected, but not entirely unwelcome.
“He had me fucking pegged, I’ve never been torn a new one like that before,” a quivering Renner told reporters. “I got all dressed up with my vest and my bow, and that little kid just started reducing me to nothing in front of all the other ICU patients. I’ve never received that kind of feedback in my life, and while it was incredibly demeaning, it was also kind of exciting. If Billy responds well to treatment, he’ll be my first call as my next acting coach.
At press time, Ryans’ condition had reportedly worsened, and sources reported that the nine year old used his dying words to curse Paul Rudd.
