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Hayao Miyazaki Avoids Attending Son’s Movie By Magically Transforming Into River

TOKYO — Legendary Japanese filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki has reportedly magically transformed into a river in order to avoid having to watch the premiere of his son Gorō Miyazaki’s new film, The Marvelous Leaf.

“He always does this, I’m getting sick of it,” Gorō Miyazaki said. “This is just like when he would skip my tee-ball games as a kid and say he was making a deal with the forest spirits, or when he missed my fifth birthday for a baby bird that was in trouble. My dad is always embarking on some beautiful adventure with the explicit purpose of ignoring me. Now, he misses the biggest moment of my career because he magically transformed into a river. He told me he was on his way to see it, but he accidentally angered a witch who punished him by cursing him to be a river. And the worst part is that it was right after I told him that my movie was going to premiere exclusively in Fortnite! It’s so cool. It’s the first Studio Ghibli movie to be made entirely using assets and characters from Fortnite.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Hayao Miyazaki later admitted his transformation was a welcome alternative to seeing his son’s work.

“I would rather be a river for all eternity than watch that filth,” Miyazaki said. “How could my own flesh and blood make a movie that has nothing to say about the horrors of war or the tranquil beauty of nature? It doesn’t even have any planes for Christ’s sake! His film is an animated movie about a child cursed by a witch. What a stupid premise for a movie. Now, an animated movie about a child cursed by a witch, but it’s also a condemnation of the Iraq War? Now there’s a picture.”

At press time, Hayao Miyazaki sent a telegram to Gorō assuring his son that while he could not attend the film’s screening, he was confident that his son brought great shame to his family and the artform as a whole.

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