HOLLYWOOD — In a shocking development, CEO of Virtucon Dr. Evil has acquired the film rights to Austin Powers with full creative control.
“I can assure you that this series is in good hands. After all, you don’t pay ONE BILLION DOLLARS,” Dr. Evil began explaining to press before taking a long pause whilst holding his pinky to his lips. “For a franchise without the intention of exploiting it for even more money. Some people may be concerned that I won’t have the best interests of the franchise in mind because I’m ‘evil’ and Austin Powers is my ‘arch nemesis’. But I assure you that I will treat it with care and respect. We are currently in the middle of planning about 2 dozen spin-off films and series for the first phase of our expanded universe. We are calling this phase Preparation-H and it will kickstart a new era of franchise milking.”
Dr. Evil’s son and apparent heir Scott gave his thoughts on his father spending so much for the franchise.
“I really wish he had consulted me before he spent a billion dollars on this. This is the kind of decision that you—” Scott said before his father abruptly cut him off telling him to zip it.
Dr. Evil’s second-in-command Number 2 outlined some of the plans they have for the franchise.
“We have some wonderful things planned that fans will love. And if they don’t love it then too bad. It’s our franchise now and we’ll do what we please. There will be a Basil Exposition prequel series detailing his journey through bureaucratic middle management. Felicity Shagwell will be getting her own movie. As will Mustafa, our frequently injured henchmen. We will also be making a Mr. Bigglesworth mini-series. We may eventually get to a new Austin Powers movie. We’ll see.”
Hollywood Analyst William Dick explained that Dr. Evil’s plans for the franchise will dilute it to the point where the public loses interest.
“The Austin Powers series is special not just because it’s based on a world famous spy but because we aren’t bombarded with entries. An Austin Powers film is an event and Dr. Evil planning countless pointless spinoffs just turns it into a slop factory. But that’s probably what he wants the evil stiff bald…” Dick said before trailing off.
At press time, in response to questions about maintaining series quality Dr. Evil’s wife Frau Farbissina shouted at reporters to “LOWER THEIR STANDARDS”.
