BURBANK, Calif. — Following a wave of backlash and scrutiny focusing on their reaction to a controversial piece of Florida legislature, Disney executives have revealed that their next animated feature will introduce their very gayest first gay character yet.
“We have heard your complaints and concerns,” began a letter penned by Walt Disney Company CEO Bob Chapek that was released to Disney employees earlier today, following a walkout by many employees today. “And we are sorry that we underestimated the passion these social causes inspire in so many here at the Disney family. As such, we have immediately greenlit something that we think not only says we’re sorry, but also ensures people will keep subscribing to Disney+ for a while longer; our gayest first gay character we’ve ever introduced.”
The announcement upset many observers, who were quick to point out Disney’s thorny history with the subject matter.
“I don’t know how they think counting works,” said Cynthia Duncan, a Disney fan that has gotten excited about the first gay Disney character on four separate occasions. “But this is not how counting works. There’s been so many first gay Disney characters they could have their own Space Jam team at this point. Do they think we forgot how they threw themselves a parade when you could see two women kiss for a second in The Last Jedi? Or the time the one Russo brother wandered on-screen during Endgame and mumbled something about a date with a man?”
The gay character, who will appear in Pixar’s upcoming Raccoon Village, appears to be some sort of friend or neighbor to the main protagonists of the film (it isn’t made clear). During a pivotal scene that sees a family of raccoons arguing about what to do next, an adult raccoon steps out of a closet, announces, “I am a gay racoon,” and proceeds to go back into the closet, where he is not seen or heard from again for the duration of the film.
“We think this character will be a pivotal part of the Disney universe for years to come,” continued Chapek. “And while some have remarked that his appearance is literally the bare minimum as far as representation goes, we disagree and are happy to welcome Unnamed Gay Racoon into the proud lineage of First Gay Disney Characters, which includes LeFou from Beauty and the Beast, Artie in Cruella, and those lesbians in the background of a single shot in Toy Story 4.”
When asked if they would commit to cutting off donations to polarizing Florida lawmakers , Disney executives quickly changed the subject and announced several new Star Wars and Marvel shows that honestly look pretty cool.
